5 important things I’ve learned in my first year of marriage!

May 30, 2012

In life, you look back and you reflect on things that sucked: Getting your wisdom teeth pulled (hasn’t happened for me yet), getting hit in the private parts for the first time; totaling your car, paying your first bill (which is usually your entire paycheck for some reason at age 16), getting your first B/C/D/F in school.

The thing is that you learn from those awful experiences some of the great lessons that will shape your future.

That brings me to marriage  (awful segway, I know).  Being married and in a great marriage at that has led me to reflect back on some things that sucked and the valuable lessons I learned from them.  I wanted to share with you 5 of those awesome sucky lessons.

1) Be careful what you say; your words are boomerangs with razor blades attached.

This one time I complained about L leaving her socks in the middle of the floor like Cambodian land mines.  Two weeks later, I get socks thrown in my face that she found under the couch and in the cusihons.  My old, crusty, fermented socks that had been composting for 2 weeks.  Thrown.  In my face!  I have yet to complain about her socks being anywhere.

2) Fighting is not what couples do.  It’s what unhappy couples do.

I didn’t realize until after me and L were together just how crazy it is to be fighting with someone you like or love or don’t even care about for that matter.  Me and L have disagreements all of the time, but we talk about it and it goes so much better.  This is much easier to say than it is to do and it takes practice and awareness of each others feelings and the effect of your words.

I wouldn’t have gotten to this point if I hadn’t been in a few explosive relationships in the past.  I have seen things get so bad that after 15 minutes of fighting, I could barely remember why I was so upset in the first place.  I just became a focus on getting the other person to stop yelling louder than me.  The only way to do that is the yell louder and say hurtful things.  See point #1 as to why this is never a good idea!

After all is said and done and the fog has cleared from the graveyard, the bones of bad words will haunt the relationship forever.   (creepy I know).  So I learned after lots of experimentation and apologies and waiting for apologies and demanding apologies that led to more fights about not respecting my need for an apology that was apparently unnecessary, THAT…it doesn’t have to be that way.  It shouldn’t be that way.

3) Remember how to “play cars”

Remember when you were a kid and the silliest things provided endless fun?  My nephew (He’s 5 now as he will proudly exclaim) wants me to do nothing else with him except play cars.  At one point, playing cars was simple.  It made sense to me and I could probably be happy doing nothing else except play cars too!  But now, life is vastly more complicated.  But why?  I was the type of kid who never got bored!

Even being the only child in my house from aged 7 on, I was never bored.  I’d throw the ball to myself, kick the ball to myself, hit the ball to myself. It didn’t matter!  Even as a college “kid” (I am starting to feel old) or a post grad, I was never bored.  I was being social and doing social things with social people.  Then I got married.

Boredom hit me fast and hard.  It wasn’t because I couldn’t find things to do. Heck, if anything, my wife found more things for me to do than I could ever tackle!  It was because things seemingly got exponentially more complicated.  I forgot how to just “play cars”.  So recently I took up a new hobby.  Golf!

Yes it’s expensive and extremely difficult, but it’s my “playing cars”.  It’s something I can just go be by myself and do.  If my wife wants to come along it makes it better!  If my buddies want to play it makes it better!  But alone it’s just as great.  It’s the adult form of “playing cars!”

4) Get it off your chest!

L has this thing where she randomly will say “Confession…” before she wants to say something that may be unexpected, embarrassing, slightly condescending, or just plain cute.  No matter the reasoning for her moment of candidness, I listen to her and take whatever she says seriously.  Sometimes it leads to a truly tearful confession and most of the time it’s just a silly little thing that she doesn’t feel entirely comfortable just coming out and saying.

I have to be honest, I love it when she has these moments of confession because it makes it OK for her to feel vulnerable and she knows that I am not going to judge her for whatever she may say next.  I know that L likes to talk in the car or when we are laying in bed at night with the lights completely off so I try to pick those times to ask her about something that she may not feel completely comfortable talking about at 2 pm on a Tuesday while we are both at work.

L knows that I feel more at ease on Fridays after I’ve had my weekend sip of whatever delicious gin concoction I have brewed up.  We usually have some of our most poignant discussions on Friday nights while just relaxing and watching a bad movie.  A friend told me a few months ago that the method that works best for he and his wife is to text their arguments or discussions.  They will go in different rooms and just text each other.  At first I thought it was crazy but it makes sense.  It takes all of the snide remarks and passive-aggressive comments and body language out of it.

By whatever means you find it necessary to spill your guts to your significant other, do it.  It’s worth it in the end to know that you can speak your mind and be heard and it makes it much easier to do the same when your partner is begging to expose their feelings.  Communication is key!  Any time me and L hold back … it never turns out well!

5) Dream together.  Who knows, maybe you’ll actually make them come true!

When I met L, I didn’t think that I would have a house, family, great job, and a happy life in general before age 30.  We talked about some things and kinda hinted that we wanted some things, but I don’t think either of us really believed that we could have or deserved the things we talked about.  That was until we really started taking what the other said and turning these dreams into a real life.

L expressed that she wanted to eventually be a stay at home mom.  I joked and said that I’d never make enough money and that I’d be working forever, then one day we started talking about her having her own business.  That little dream/joke turned into her having her own successful Mary Kay business which has surprised me with how well it has taken off in just a year!  The best part is that I cautiously supported her every step of the way.  It has been an awesome but trying to say the least.

Then we talked about getting a house.  We dreamed about it.  We made a smart reasonable plan and then things worked out to happen way faster than we had every planned for them to. Needless to say our big dreams came true. If we had never taken the time and faith to dream, who knows where we’d be.  Probably nowhere near where we are today!

Sometimes a dream turnes into a maybe which formulates itself into a plan.  Suddenly a plan is now an accomplishment which is now a celebration!


Valentine’s day…3 years ago

February 14, 2012

3 years ago today, we took a leap and had our first date on Valentine’s Day.  Something happened that day that I will never be able to explain…nor will I ever try.  Thank you and I love you.  I wrote you this as I remember that day…

I stand there in the mall, leaning on the pole with all the weight of my nervous anticipation that the concrete column could bear.  My normally able legs tremble with every heel click coming from around the corner.  The corner that I know will present you in only a matter of time.  The corner that will deliver months of hidden smiles and hopeful conversations.  

I wonder if you will see me or my detonated heart first.  Only my rib cage holding it back from exploding.  My cloak of confidence could be snatched away at the first sight if I dont maintain my composure.  So I unbutton another button on my polo.  That should distract you slightly, I think.  I suddenly find it funny that I choose to hide my apprehension with a distracting display of false confidence.

I have no clue what I am nervous about or what I am thinking about so I try to shut my mind off, but only long enough to hear another set of heels clicking from down the hidden mall corridor.  My fingers find themselves re-buttoning my shirt to regain modesty as my legs begin to boil with exhaustive energy.  

I check my watch.  It’s still early.  I don’t know you well, but I know you wont be late.  And for some reason, this makes me glad that I am here early.  In fact, I think to myself that you’ve probably been sitting in your car for the last 10 minutes, planning your escape route in case I’m not who I said I am.  Or perhaps you’re watching me right now.   

I covertly look around for someone who may resemble what I think you’d look like.  I see an old lady with her grandson looking at books in the bookstore across the hall.  A young girl typing away on her cell phone outside of the restaurant.  Another gentleman nervously bouncing his leg as he waits for someone.

Just as I start to explode with anxiety, I see them. A couple; Holding hands and walking towards the baby store.  One day that will be me.  Us perhaps. Except for the holding hands and walking towards a baby store part.  But I can see myself with someone else. Walking. As a couple.  That’s why I’m here, right?  I turn back to the man sitting on the couch waiting for someone.  He gets up and walks into the bar alone.  Maybe he isn’t waiting for someone. That could be me also if I’m not careful.

Just as I start to relax I hear the sound of heels again and my stomach drops to my knees before springing back up to my chin.  I tune in to the sound from around the corner and try not to stare too hard at it from the corner of my eye.  I can’t see you yet but I know its you because your aura precedes you.

Like fanfare, your heels announce comfort and an allure that’s been missing for years.  Spine melting giggles and a staggering smile are all that I will be blinded by for the next three hours.  The rest of my senses will be puppeted by your presence.  I have no clue what I am in for but your hypnotic glow will erase all doubts along with the memory of their presence.  

Like a flash of lightning your smile disarms me of any diffidence and show me the answer to any dismay. As you get closer and your hazel eyes welcome me to paradise, my mind goes blank and I peel myself from the precarious spot against the pole.  Your smile knocks my confidence askew and I freeze trying to speak.  The closer you get, the less I can remember, the more I lose consciousness of, and the greater my stability sways. Suddenly you sing me your name and my mind goes numb.  

But I know I will never be the same.


Things L says (does)

January 26, 2012

She never ceases to amaze me with her…own interpretation of things!  I had Wednesday off from work so I decided to do some work around the house.  One of the unfinished projects is addinghandles to our cabinets.  First off,  when we went to pick up the handles it was kind of on a whim.  We had a gift card and we decided to use it.  We ended up getting all of our handles at no extra cost to us which is awesome!

… well ALMOST all of them.  It turns out that L’s count of 20 handles (based on her mental image of our kitchen) was 4 handles off.  We needed 24.  But that’s neither here nor there.  What’s really important is the two emails that I got the other day.

Wednesday morning I sent her a simply text saying “If u have time send me a pic of how u want the handles on the cabs and drawers.”

Cabinets

"Drawers"


Taco Shells and place mats!

July 21, 2011

So I came home and sat on the couch to relax the other day.  L comes bolting in at full speed with excitement about something.  I know it’s taco night which is her favorite but still…were these the best tacos ever? or what?

So, I brace for her to tackle me but luckily she stops short.  But she starts jumping up and down.

“I made taco shells for the taco salad!  Wanna see?”

I told her about this place across from my high school that me and my friends used to go to all of the time called El Mexicano.  I used to get the taco salad and it came in an edible bowl and I’d crush it!!  So the next day, she decided to try to secretly make the taco bowl!

What an awesome wife I have.  CHECK THESE OUT! 

Quick question though.  Why are my taco salad shells sitting (greasily) on the place mat?  I dunno where that placemat has been!  It could have cooties!  Look there is even a stain on the placemat!  But I must say.  The taco salad and sheels were amazing! Thanks wife of mine!


Jamaica Mon.

April 29, 2011

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So I got married…sorry, WE got married on April 16th (apparently there is no more I so I’ve been told).  The wedding was amazing and I can’t believe its over. It was amazing being around all of that love and support. I honestly haven’t felt anything like that before!  I will post a link to the pics once they are done. I have seen a preview and they are amazing so far!

So on the 17th we took off for Jamaica. This was what I was REALLY looking forward to. 🙂 JK kinda

We arrived at the airport at like 10pm and drove to the hotel which was about 90 minutes away. Finally we arrive at The Jewel at Dunn’s River…home for 8 days.

We hop off the bus and are greeted with a blue drink called the “Jam of the day” and a cold wet towel!  Serve me please! Yes!

We then get to our rooms and crash immediately. We wake up the next morning and I open the door to the balcony that over looks the water and nearly faint…I mean pass out.  Guys don’t faint.

The view was incredible! The bluest water I have ever seen. Palm trees, white sand, reefs. Paradise!

For the next 8 days we proceeded to do a lot of nothing! Relaxed, read on the beach, napped by the pool, drank fruity drunks like “cold and deadly” or “Jamaican smile” or “Jamaican sunrise“.

Food
The food was good. The breakfast was pretty amazing everyday. Then the meals got bland, repetitive, and old very quickly. The brick oven pizza was amazing…the first three times we ate it. Then it got old!  The only snack foods we had were pretty much stale nachos, butterless popcorn, half of a quesadilla, and fries. Then the ketchup wasn’t Heinz! It was saltfree tomato squeeze…..what?!

By the end of the week L was making up drinks. “Can I have a Pina colada with extra rum and a shot of rum cream on the top with a little strawberry mix on the bottom and a cherry…ooh and a pineapple slice please?” Of course they all loved her so they’d say “yah mon, no problem for you sunshine.” Then shed turn to me so that I could be sure to tip the guy with a crush on my wife. (This is my life)

People
This was the highlight of the trip!  The people were so nice and helpful!  Everyone there was always ready to help! Even if they were just standing around they’d ask us how were doing. Then when we answered they’d always say “Jah mon, no problem“. Everyone! At first I though it was a show…NO! Everyone was “Yah mon” and “No problem” for everything.

When they talked to us Americans we could understand almost everything they were saying, but when they talked to each othere they used slang and the accent was off the charts incoherent! They also have a different inflection with their voices and it makes them sound rude or angry compared to Americans.

The two times we went off the resort were pretty annoying because people were asking us to buy things and ride jetskis and horses and buy illegal drugs(we said no)!  It got to the point where when a local would talk to us we would just say No. One guy didn’t dig that at all. He goes, “see they tell you to say No to evryting but that’s not nice.  A smart guy like me, just wanted to say hi to da boss lady and show respek“. I actually felt really bad because he really wasn’t selling anything. He asked me once if we wanted some CDs and I said no thanks and then he was just saying “respek“.

One local on the last day was really nice and asked where we were from as I am standing with L. I say DC and he goes “Yah mon! Washington, lot of black people.”  Then he turned into Marcus Garvey and told me to stay black and all kinds of other junk which I just “yah mon’d“.  On the first day, a guy told me that I would be a king in Jamaica because I have a white wife lol. I sure didn’t get that feeling, they still robbed me blind at the shops. No salutes or bows and “your highness“es. I think he just wanted L for himself.

Town, area, environment
I told you about the water and how amazing it was already. Well we went on a booze cruise/catamaran trip to Dunn’s River falls. We stopped in the middle of the ocean to go snorkling which was awesome. We took a bunch of underwater photos but I’m sure they will come out to look awful but I will post them when I get a chance!  We then climbed a 940 foot waterfall in which I proceeded to get 3 lbs of rocks and sand in my shoe. This was really cool! We then got on the boat and that’s when the booze portion of the tour started. A few 18 year old girls were out of control!

The coolest part of the island is that its the same weather everyday. It got about 70 degrees at night and got cold with the Caribbean breeze. During the day its about 85 and sunny everyday. The breeze makes it perfect. The ocean water was warmer than the pool water and was so clear!  The resort had a 200 yard beach so we couldn’t really do much on it, but we could see holes where crabs had burroughed themselves in! That was cool! Other couples actually saw the crabs! Lucky.

We were right next to a local shopping village so locals were constantly calling us over to the fence to get us to buy stuff and ride the Jetskis. Finally I gave in and crossed the padlocked fence. It felt like jail which was completely odd! then we rode the jetski for “30 minutes” which was probably 12. We then got allowed back in by security and continued with our honeymoon. The jetski was awesome but not worth what I paid for it!  That’s for sure. But its a honeymoon!

The weather everyday is, without exagerrating, equivalent to the best day in DC.  Every! Day!

Travel

Wow. They drive on the left side of the road and CJs (crazy jamaicans) drive on both sides. The bus driver “the right side is suicide”.  Then he proceeded to go around every car he saw…we spent half the trip on the right side!  They don’t have street lights so they use their high beams like 80% of the time.  They also tailgate within 8 inches of the car in front of them but nobody gets mad or road rage. If an American drove like our bus driver drove he would have been shot at, cussed out, followed, and probably side swiped.  But we got everywhere safely….and late.

Time is merely a suggestion. 10:20 sounds precise but that’s merely a roundabout time. We even stopped after an hour and a half of driving for a bathroom break and to get “snacks“…we were 15 minutes from our final destination….WHY? Cuz for Jamaicans, being late is “no problem mon”

We had some troubles getting back because of the storms.  We didn’t land until like 6am when we were supposed to land 4 hours prior but that’s part of traveling nowadays. No huge surprises there.

Conclusion

To conclude this massive recap. Jamaica is a place we will definitely return to!  We will stay at a. Different resort but we had an amazing time! It was beyond our wildest dreams and it was absolutely worth the wait!  But now that I am back in the states…its time to focus on this wonderful life of ours.


Marriage is an experiment, we are the scientists

November 18, 2010

Me and my brother were talking  the other day and he simply said, “Love and marriage is a never ending experiment and we are the scientists“.

That may not mean too much to you guys, but to mean that sums it up perfectly!  I mean, we really don’t know what will come of anything we do in any relationship.  That’s part of the excitement though.  Scientists don’t become scientists unless they love the excitement of unveiling the unexpected.  I mean, there are some things that have already been tested by other fools scientists, like cheating and infidelity.  I know what will happen.  I will lose half  of everything I ever earned, and everything I ever wanted (L).  I dare not test that theory.

I don’t know however, what would happen if I came home with a puppy for instance.  Would L think “OMG, he loves me enough to buy me a puppy and the puppy will become part of our family and we will love him forever and ever.”  That is very possible, but not very probable…YET!  She grew up with puppys so I don’t know. She very well could…….I’m suddenly realizing how terribly awful this example is.

The real point is this.  We will face adversity in nearly every part of our lives.  We aren’t going to know the answers.  We aren’t going to know reasons why.  But we know, we are committed to this thing called love and this lifelong experiment of marriage.  We are going to find ways to make it work, because that’s our goal and our passion.

With me and L’s situation, we both love to shop!  Well…she loves to shop as is evident by her looking at online shopping websites….EVERY DAY(just kiddin’ babe, I know you rest on Sundays).  But, we don’t really make a lot of money.  I mean we make enough to live in swanky super cool Ballston, but not enough to live in Ballston AND online shop daily.  I know what we have to do, I know that more money needs to be made because we have plans, and dreams, and things that we want to do!  Personally, I want 42 kids.  I don’t know how much 42 kids will cost us, but I know I was probably pretty dang expensive (right mom?).

So, I need to get things brewing in my mental lab and figure out how exactly I’m going to make money so L and I can buy a home in The Hamptons with 44 rooms (one for us, and another one for my man cave)!  Let me know if you guys have any ideas.


How to know she is the one

November 2, 2010

WordPress has this tool where you can check out the stats for the site and you can check out how people actually end up getting to your site.  Well apparently a lot of people want to know a very important question.

How to know she’s the one

I have exhausted this topic about how I found out she was the one i’m sure.  But in case you can’t remember,  here’s my post about it.

The day I knew she was the one

Well it’s kind of refreshing to know that people out there are feeling like little bees in a sugar bag.  They are all filled with glee and have no clue of the mess they are in for.  They obviously are experimenting with the fact that they might be…done.  Well,  I am here to tell all you guys out there that you have been done.  You’ve been done since you decided to open your computer and Google if you have found the one.

Don’t worry….I did the same thing a year ago.

http://ringofyes.com/2010/05/31/the-day-i-knew-she-was-the-one/