How much candy is too much candy?

May 5, 2011

We had a candy bar at our wedding and we bought 50 lbs of candy. Apparently that was about 42 pounds too much! I didn’t know this, but people like alcohol bars much more than they like candy bars. but still, people only filled up the little bags we gave them….but I was expecting people to be like me, and literally tilt the bowl over into their mouths like I did.

So now we have about 10 pounds of candy sitting around. I know for a fact that I will develop at least 6 cavities from this. I don’t care. But i’m starting to get scared. Am I eating too much candy? Are my teeth honestly going to rot and fall out?! I’m beginning to worry and fret. I don’t want a barrage of sugar demons attacking my poor teeth! I already chipped one trying to rip a can open like my buddy showed me (I failed).

So really, how much candy is too much candy? I have about 3 lbs of gummy bears left to eat and I’m not sure I can make it all the way through them! But if they are here, I will definitely try!

HELP!


Interview with a crazy man: Myself

April 12, 2011

4 days left as a single man.

As the countdown has gone from nearly 300 days to now 4 *gulp* the world is spinning really fast!  Or at least my stomach thinks so. I am not nervous per se, but I am indeed… umm. READY TO GO! So I know a lot of people have questions for a nearly married man so I interviewed myself to get those answers out to the public. Enjoy

What’s it like being almost married?
It is actually a lot of the same crap that makes me so loveable. I mean, I woke up late today which is kind of different, but I still showered and skipped breakfast and nearly forgot my deodorant which is pretty normal for me. I had to go back in and get my deodorant on which is pretty important to being liked at work.

Are you scared at all?
I’m only scared of a few things. Thunderstorms especially, being left alone in a theme park, and …. well that’s all I can think of right now. I think getting married is like jumping out of an airplaneNobody is ever afraid of jumping out of the airplane, it’s the unsafe landing that stops us all from jumping. If you pack your parachute with care and take your time, there’s no reason to be afraid. I can spend my time enjoying the ride down.

How was wedding planning?
Different than I imagined. I thought I was gonna be doing all kinds of things. Picking out flowers and colors and …whatever else goes into planning a wedding. I quickly found out that I care far less about everything than L did. In fact I barely cared at all I’m sure she would say. I helped with a few things though…like…trying on the tux she picked out.

How was the bachelor party? Crazy like the movies?
I did not have one. Because knowing my friends and family, more marriages and relationships would have been destroyed over a little male bonding. I instead spent some time with my groomsmen and that meant more to me than a little T&A (mom don’t google T&A please)

What has been the biggest challenge over the last year?
Random costly bills. By me not being very involved, there were constantly random things to pay for that I had very little to know about. Partial payments that felt more like layaway robbery. I’ll be glad when they are over and I can predict when I’m going to get beat up and mugged at swipe point.

What’s the first thing you’ll do as a married man when you get back from your honeymoon?
Cry

What? Cry? That’s a little harsh isn’t it?
No no, not because I’m married but because I’ll have to go to back to work. My job is awesome but it’s not Jamaica! After crying, I will try to get used to calling L my wife.  This could take years, so I hope she’s patient.

Have your buddies been giving you a hard time?
Yes, apparently its funny to see your friends go through a marriage. Saying things like, “why?” and “are you crazy?” or “your life as you know it is now over. Foolish child!“.  Its depressing! So to all of my friends I ask, where were you when I was dating ugly, unintelligent short, unathletic girls? Nobody warned me then!  Some friends you were!

You sound a little bitter sir.
No not at all.  They are just projecting their hate onto me. Luckily I have a solid foundation called “ego”.  Its hard to break a man when his ego is bigger than life.

So on another topic not related to marriage, what’s the last dream you had?
I had a dream that a horse was falling off a cliff and I started laughed as it fell, then I was thinking, “wait was someone on that horse?” And I stopped laughing and became outraged and terrified. Then I looked over the cliff and was looking for the horse and I see the horse laying on one of those huge stunt balloon things that breaks the fall. Then I see a bunch of people clapping. And I’m like what the heck?   Then I was thinking the horse tried to commit suicide? How sad!

….the horse tried to commit suicide?
Yeah man, it was depressed or something? Well that’s what the bystanders were saying.

….why were you near a horse, and a cliff?
How am I supposed to know? I was asleep!  It was a dream! You asked the question, now you want me to analyze my own dream?  This is ridiculous.

…are you on drugs?
What?! NO! Next question please.

Do you think you will miss being single?
What kind of question is that?  Are you trying to get me killed? Of course I won’t miss it! In fact, I haven’t been single for years! I have a whole new set of challenges and adventures to look forward too…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

What advice do you have for other men thinking about getting married?
Make sure you pack your own parachute, and spend a lot of time packing it.  Don’t jump out of that plane unless you know you’re going to land safely.

What advice do you have for women who are thinking about getting married?
Why?  You could have anything in this world and you want a man?  We are dirty, smelly, lazy, not funny, vulgar, ridiculous and highly hypocritical. Just get a golden retriever and enjoy your life.

What do you think L’s first request as a wife will be?
“Can we go on a dinner date?”

What will your response be?
“Do we have to? I kinda wanna just relax for the rest of our lives and watch football, hockey, and college basketball”

What will be your first request be as a husband?
“Can you scoot over please, you’re touching me again.”

Are you ready to get married?
Yes. Next question

Why do you seem so angry?
I’m not! Next question please.

Do you have a problem with me?
Yes I do! You think you are such a great interviewer when in fact, you’re medicre at best!  Get over yourself!

I mean, honestly, right back at you kid!  You’re not the greatest interviewee either!  Get over YOURself!

::end of interview::


Wedding show > football???

January 25, 2011

If you follow my life then you know that I am a huge football fan. To the point where I demanded that our wedding be scheduled during the spring or summer. Well Sunday 2 of the last of three games were played. Big, no… huge games. Starting at 3 pm.

Saturday, L asks me if we can go to a wedding show on sunday….football sunday…at noon. Now some would say that is plenty of time…I say that is cutting it pretty close. Maybe too close.

But of course I still agree to serve my fiance-ly duties and attend the show. Let me tell you…exciting stuff!

We get to the hotel where it is being held and the parking garage is packed and they are demanding that I pay seven dollars to park. Robbery!

We get there early so we can hopefully leave early. We follow the small gaggle of excited women who are all dragging their reluctant beloveds  behind them. Then a lady asks us if we are the bride and groom. L says yes and grabs some card or something, and a pencil and puts on a sticker. I just stand there…..then I remember, oh! I am the groom (oops).

So we proceed through the maze of people and stop about 200 people deep into this line. And wait. Ugh. All I can think about is how long this line is and how we are never going to be done here and how a cold energy drink would make this all better…but … I don’t have one.

Much to my surprise the line moves pretty quickly! I forgot the other awesome part of being a bride. Bridesmaids! Most other women had like 5 girls with them not getting married so it made it move through quicker!

Then I made a comment I probably shouldn’t have made. I said, “Maybe you should have brought your friends along.

Cold, deathly,  silence.

At that moment everyone disappeared. It was just me and my comment….dancing in this blizzard of a convention hall. Thinks fast fool…think!

I’m going to go to the ATM ago we can buy raffle tickets.

I ran to the atm…girls like money so give her money…that was my solution. Not a very good long term solution…but a solution to sst the least.

When I got back and threw a 20 dollar bill at her, things started to warm up again.

We get in and eat some banana cake. It was amazing. I love banana anything…especially banana pudding, and L knows this. Then we walk around this bride fest for a while and luckily we have no need for a lot of the booths. Like photography because our photographer is the amazing and talented Irene Abdou (http://ireneabdouportraitsweddings.com/, http://www.ireneabdouphotography.com/ and http://archive.ireneabdouphotography.com/). Other booths were for dj guys (check), cake people (check), part favors (check), and honeymoon destinations and packages…now we are talking!

We put our raffle tickets in the boxes for those drawings and I am pretty sure we will not win. I don’t win anything unless I have some affect on how much effort goes into it…like sports.  I don’t think L realizes this yet, but we wasted our time filing out those raffle cards.

That remind me..we had an argument about that while e were there! She writes really fast and in big bubble letters. Therefore her Ps look like Ds. Not good when you are entering to win stuff and the vendor can’t read it. Of course I open my big mouth and point this out to her and I get shoved into the bull pit of filling out cards for the rest of the time. Strike 2!

We continue walking and passing buy booth a after booth of stuff we don’t need! Yes!

Finally we come to to the end. I look st my watch….12:30!  We were only there for 30 minutes! I almost sprinted out of that bridezilla fest I was so happy!

Later, L was sending emails to some of her clients that won a prize for her business and I heard music to my ears.

L: “Can you read this email address for me? Is that an l our an I?
G: “I have no idea baby, she should have written more legibly.

*Smile*

…vindication!


50/50? no chance….

January 19, 2011

So when this whole engagement thing started out, I wanted to be involved. I wanted to help out and make decisions and provide my expertise.

A mere two questions later, I found out that my “expertise” was not helpful at all.

L: What do you want the colors to be?
G: Uhh…what r my choices?
L: Persimmon, coral, fuscia….
G: Uhhh……perwho?
L: Persimmon…
G: Umm….yeah, u decide.

L: When should we have it?
G: Definitely not during football season, or the middle of the summer.  Sweaty grooms are not sexy.  and please not during march madness!
L: Are you serious?

…Yes I was.  When guys plan events, we have two times to worry about.

1) The time it (the actual event, not pregame/credits/anthems,precessional) starts, and
2) the time you want everyone to go home.

The latter is the most important of the two. When women plan events, they plan the time you have to walk in, hang your coat, “mingle“, have cock tails, bathroom breaks, sit down time, snack time, stand up time, dance time, game time, laughing time….it’s exhaustive and unneccessary to say the least.

Soon into this planning ordeal opportunity (N) I realized that I was not going to be much help. My brain just can’t decide if my body wants to dance before dinner but after salads, or after dinner but before the cake.

I went from wanting to be involved in the planning process on about 50% of the decisions, to about mm…20%.  It may sound selfish but trust me, It’s for the better!

I think when she started asking about the color of the flowers is when I realized I was out of my element. My crayon box as a kid was an 8 pack. I was strong with that 8 pack too! L obviously had a 248 deluxe color blast fusion set (with the crayon sharpener on the back of the box!).  I am still trying to figure out how to mix together my primary colors to make “fuscia” and “coral” or “fireworks“…how is fireworks even a color?? All the fireworks I’ve ever seen were different colors!

I think that is why this blog has gone from awesome and informative, to a how-to book on treading water in a womans world.

Right now I have so much water in my lungs, I don’t know how I will make it back to shore.

Maybe I should change this blog to “Life Ring of Yes”.


Yumm-O

January 13, 2011

Last week we went to our food tasting.  Amazing!

I was holding out on you guys.  I didn’t get to tell you about it at all, but OMG.  If you are coming to my wedding in April, you are in for a treat!!  I am from Maryland, so when they said they were bringing us crab cakes to try, I was skeptical to say the least.  This Virginia hotel doesn’t know how to do Maryland sized crab cakes.  They’re probably all small and bready and ….HOLY MEAT PATTY!

These crab cakes came out and I swear they barely had room to fit the other veggies on the plate.  I can’t remember what came with the crab cakes, but it doesn’ t matter.  I must say that I am used to lump crab meat, and these were shredded pulled meat which is fine with me.  But this was probably the best shredded pulled meat I’ve ever had.

We also had 4 glasses of wine.  I don’t like wine, but this day I was in the mood for a good ol’ fashion wine tasting 🙂  Again, you guys are in for a treat!! We had something called Shard’nay?  Pee-no Greegio? Maybe someting called a Murlow? aaaaannnnnd….a Carborator…no it was a Cabernay!  🙂

 

I don’t really remember anything else from the tasting.  OH! the steak was delicious and so was the chicken!  I don’t think anything had bacon in it which is fairly disappointing but the other items will definitely help me forget about it.

So, we had a small discussion about the food options that will be served and I picked everything that I ate.  Everything was delicious.  I mean…it was professionally cooked food.  Of course it was delicous right?  L (and her notepad) disagreed.  She had notes and opinions on everything.  And she let them be known.

In the end, we picked good foods!  and good drinks as well!  🙂  I even found out that I get a special salad and drink or something like that!

I just realized that I would like to request an endless supply of Monster energy drinks.  Maybe a little cup of gummy bears as well!   I would love to have a neverending cup of gummy bears and energy drink.  AMAZING!

Did you hear that Key Bridge Marriot?  Gummy bears and Monster energy drink!


What’s life without rules?

December 28, 2010

Pretty soon L and I are going to meet with the DJ in order to get the playlist together for the reception. There is also a list of rules that I would like to discuss with this DJ to ensure maximal coolness at this unforgettable event.  Here are a few of these (minor) rules:

NO macarena, cha cha slide, limbo, choo choo train, cotton eye joe, or country music. This is not a sadie hawkins dance.
– Don’t go trying to get people out of their seats and on to the dance floor. I wouldn’t want to see your mom freak dancing to Beyonce so don’t encourage mine to do so (love you ma!)
– If a guy named Robbie comes up asking for you to play anything, say OK, but DO NOT PLAY IT! He will then say he is a groomsmen and slur some stuff about when we fought each other and that’s how we become such great friends, and he’ll probably mention being “brothers from another mother“…order him another jack and coke and he will forget all about it.
– One exception to the previous rule. If he requests Michael Jackson, play it immediately. Its sentimental. He will surely ask you to replay the same song multiple times throughout the night, please refer to previous rule for these cases.
– If you see me start to break dance and a crowd forming around me, (please, I beg of you) cut the music, hit the lights, and close the bar. Its time for me to go home!
– None of us are from DC so please don’t play any go-go.
– Please adjust the music selection to the room temperature. The groomsmen and I are all extremely sensitive to high temperatures. Our internal cooling systems produce massive amounts of perspiration to combat overheating. It is not a pretty sight to see four grown men sweating all over each other. Especially since I would have been sweating the whole day anyways from nerves and such. Please sneak in a slow song or two every once in a while.
– Neither L or I caught Bieber fever. We got immunized when we graduated high school.  Same goes for Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, and any other Disney artist.  Willow Smith is OK though.
No sexual innuendos please. My grandmother will be there. Keep it clean! She doesn’t know what “make it clap” means, and I don’t want to have to be the one to explain it to her!
– Any requests for songs from the 90’s hereby have my blanket approval. Anything from the 80’s (that doesn’t have the name Jackson in it) has a blanket deny. Any song from the 70’s again has my blanket approval (especially if it causes a soul train line to form)
– Lastly, don’t do or say anything that would land you on YouTube or Tosh.0 – this would cause a reaction that may land me on americas most wanted.

What would life a wedding be without rules?


What’s the Key (West) to happiness??

November 23, 2010

Well, we are rethinking the honeymoon plans. They may be revamped, we wanted to go costa rica, but my internal accountant threatened to quit and asked me I like salt and pepper sandwhiches because that’s what id be eating for months afterwards.

So the plans are being reevaluated. Hopefully we will plenty of chances to get away (I’m sure every newlywed says this, the they see two lines on the EPT and everything changes).  Yeah I’m not happy about it, but I am beginning to notice me and L both have ridiculously expensive tastes.

The good part? We taled about our finances the other day. And in particular, our financial futures! To put it honestly, its looking good. As long as my job keeps paying me 🙂 

So, our requirements have changed for our honeymoon destinnation.  I think we now may be looking at romantic cruises and warm weather destinations.   Anywhere I can where my bikini 🙂 just messing around!

Hmm….Key West is nice I hear! Maybe I can rent a BMW 7 series and drive around like I’m a baller (translation: someone who is high status and makes a lot of money without very much effort).