Jamaica Mon.

April 29, 2011

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So I got married…sorry, WE got married on April 16th (apparently there is no more I so I’ve been told).  The wedding was amazing and I can’t believe its over. It was amazing being around all of that love and support. I honestly haven’t felt anything like that before!  I will post a link to the pics once they are done. I have seen a preview and they are amazing so far!

So on the 17th we took off for Jamaica. This was what I was REALLY looking forward to. 🙂 JK kinda

We arrived at the airport at like 10pm and drove to the hotel which was about 90 minutes away. Finally we arrive at The Jewel at Dunn’s River…home for 8 days.

We hop off the bus and are greeted with a blue drink called the “Jam of the day” and a cold wet towel!  Serve me please! Yes!

We then get to our rooms and crash immediately. We wake up the next morning and I open the door to the balcony that over looks the water and nearly faint…I mean pass out.  Guys don’t faint.

The view was incredible! The bluest water I have ever seen. Palm trees, white sand, reefs. Paradise!

For the next 8 days we proceeded to do a lot of nothing! Relaxed, read on the beach, napped by the pool, drank fruity drunks like “cold and deadly” or “Jamaican smile” or “Jamaican sunrise“.

The food was good. The breakfast was pretty amazing everyday. Then the meals got bland, repetitive, and old very quickly. The brick oven pizza was amazing…the first three times we ate it. Then it got old!  The only snack foods we had were pretty much stale nachos, butterless popcorn, half of a quesadilla, and fries. Then the ketchup wasn’t Heinz! It was saltfree tomato squeeze…..what?!

By the end of the week L was making up drinks. “Can I have a Pina colada with extra rum and a shot of rum cream on the top with a little strawberry mix on the bottom and a cherry…ooh and a pineapple slice please?” Of course they all loved her so they’d say “yah mon, no problem for you sunshine.” Then shed turn to me so that I could be sure to tip the guy with a crush on my wife. (This is my life)

This was the highlight of the trip!  The people were so nice and helpful!  Everyone there was always ready to help! Even if they were just standing around they’d ask us how were doing. Then when we answered they’d always say “Jah mon, no problem“. Everyone! At first I though it was a show…NO! Everyone was “Yah mon” and “No problem” for everything.

When they talked to us Americans we could understand almost everything they were saying, but when they talked to each othere they used slang and the accent was off the charts incoherent! They also have a different inflection with their voices and it makes them sound rude or angry compared to Americans.

The two times we went off the resort were pretty annoying because people were asking us to buy things and ride jetskis and horses and buy illegal drugs(we said no)!  It got to the point where when a local would talk to us we would just say No. One guy didn’t dig that at all. He goes, “see they tell you to say No to evryting but that’s not nice.  A smart guy like me, just wanted to say hi to da boss lady and show respek“. I actually felt really bad because he really wasn’t selling anything. He asked me once if we wanted some CDs and I said no thanks and then he was just saying “respek“.

One local on the last day was really nice and asked where we were from as I am standing with L. I say DC and he goes “Yah mon! Washington, lot of black people.”  Then he turned into Marcus Garvey and told me to stay black and all kinds of other junk which I just “yah mon’d“.  On the first day, a guy told me that I would be a king in Jamaica because I have a white wife lol. I sure didn’t get that feeling, they still robbed me blind at the shops. No salutes or bows and “your highness“es. I think he just wanted L for himself.

Town, area, environment
I told you about the water and how amazing it was already. Well we went on a booze cruise/catamaran trip to Dunn’s River falls. We stopped in the middle of the ocean to go snorkling which was awesome. We took a bunch of underwater photos but I’m sure they will come out to look awful but I will post them when I get a chance!  We then climbed a 940 foot waterfall in which I proceeded to get 3 lbs of rocks and sand in my shoe. This was really cool! We then got on the boat and that’s when the booze portion of the tour started. A few 18 year old girls were out of control!

The coolest part of the island is that its the same weather everyday. It got about 70 degrees at night and got cold with the Caribbean breeze. During the day its about 85 and sunny everyday. The breeze makes it perfect. The ocean water was warmer than the pool water and was so clear!  The resort had a 200 yard beach so we couldn’t really do much on it, but we could see holes where crabs had burroughed themselves in! That was cool! Other couples actually saw the crabs! Lucky.

We were right next to a local shopping village so locals were constantly calling us over to the fence to get us to buy stuff and ride the Jetskis. Finally I gave in and crossed the padlocked fence. It felt like jail which was completely odd! then we rode the jetski for “30 minutes” which was probably 12. We then got allowed back in by security and continued with our honeymoon. The jetski was awesome but not worth what I paid for it!  That’s for sure. But its a honeymoon!

The weather everyday is, without exagerrating, equivalent to the best day in DC.  Every! Day!


Wow. They drive on the left side of the road and CJs (crazy jamaicans) drive on both sides. The bus driver “the right side is suicide”.  Then he proceeded to go around every car he saw…we spent half the trip on the right side!  They don’t have street lights so they use their high beams like 80% of the time.  They also tailgate within 8 inches of the car in front of them but nobody gets mad or road rage. If an American drove like our bus driver drove he would have been shot at, cussed out, followed, and probably side swiped.  But we got everywhere safely….and late.

Time is merely a suggestion. 10:20 sounds precise but that’s merely a roundabout time. We even stopped after an hour and a half of driving for a bathroom break and to get “snacks“…we were 15 minutes from our final destination….WHY? Cuz for Jamaicans, being late is “no problem mon”

We had some troubles getting back because of the storms.  We didn’t land until like 6am when we were supposed to land 4 hours prior but that’s part of traveling nowadays. No huge surprises there.


To conclude this massive recap. Jamaica is a place we will definitely return to!  We will stay at a. Different resort but we had an amazing time! It was beyond our wildest dreams and it was absolutely worth the wait!  But now that I am back in the states…its time to focus on this wonderful life of ours.


Interview with a crazy man: Myself

April 12, 2011

4 days left as a single man.

As the countdown has gone from nearly 300 days to now 4 *gulp* the world is spinning really fast!  Or at least my stomach thinks so. I am not nervous per se, but I am indeed… umm. READY TO GO! So I know a lot of people have questions for a nearly married man so I interviewed myself to get those answers out to the public. Enjoy

What’s it like being almost married?
It is actually a lot of the same crap that makes me so loveable. I mean, I woke up late today which is kind of different, but I still showered and skipped breakfast and nearly forgot my deodorant which is pretty normal for me. I had to go back in and get my deodorant on which is pretty important to being liked at work.

Are you scared at all?
I’m only scared of a few things. Thunderstorms especially, being left alone in a theme park, and …. well that’s all I can think of right now. I think getting married is like jumping out of an airplaneNobody is ever afraid of jumping out of the airplane, it’s the unsafe landing that stops us all from jumping. If you pack your parachute with care and take your time, there’s no reason to be afraid. I can spend my time enjoying the ride down.

How was wedding planning?
Different than I imagined. I thought I was gonna be doing all kinds of things. Picking out flowers and colors and …whatever else goes into planning a wedding. I quickly found out that I care far less about everything than L did. In fact I barely cared at all I’m sure she would say. I helped with a few things though…like…trying on the tux she picked out.

How was the bachelor party? Crazy like the movies?
I did not have one. Because knowing my friends and family, more marriages and relationships would have been destroyed over a little male bonding. I instead spent some time with my groomsmen and that meant more to me than a little T&A (mom don’t google T&A please)

What has been the biggest challenge over the last year?
Random costly bills. By me not being very involved, there were constantly random things to pay for that I had very little to know about. Partial payments that felt more like layaway robbery. I’ll be glad when they are over and I can predict when I’m going to get beat up and mugged at swipe point.

What’s the first thing you’ll do as a married man when you get back from your honeymoon?

What? Cry? That’s a little harsh isn’t it?
No no, not because I’m married but because I’ll have to go to back to work. My job is awesome but it’s not Jamaica! After crying, I will try to get used to calling L my wife.  This could take years, so I hope she’s patient.

Have your buddies been giving you a hard time?
Yes, apparently its funny to see your friends go through a marriage. Saying things like, “why?” and “are you crazy?” or “your life as you know it is now over. Foolish child!“.  Its depressing! So to all of my friends I ask, where were you when I was dating ugly, unintelligent short, unathletic girls? Nobody warned me then!  Some friends you were!

You sound a little bitter sir.
No not at all.  They are just projecting their hate onto me. Luckily I have a solid foundation called “ego”.  Its hard to break a man when his ego is bigger than life.

So on another topic not related to marriage, what’s the last dream you had?
I had a dream that a horse was falling off a cliff and I started laughed as it fell, then I was thinking, “wait was someone on that horse?” And I stopped laughing and became outraged and terrified. Then I looked over the cliff and was looking for the horse and I see the horse laying on one of those huge stunt balloon things that breaks the fall. Then I see a bunch of people clapping. And I’m like what the heck?   Then I was thinking the horse tried to commit suicide? How sad!

….the horse tried to commit suicide?
Yeah man, it was depressed or something? Well that’s what the bystanders were saying.

….why were you near a horse, and a cliff?
How am I supposed to know? I was asleep!  It was a dream! You asked the question, now you want me to analyze my own dream?  This is ridiculous.

…are you on drugs?
What?! NO! Next question please.

Do you think you will miss being single?
What kind of question is that?  Are you trying to get me killed? Of course I won’t miss it! In fact, I haven’t been single for years! I have a whole new set of challenges and adventures to look forward too…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

What advice do you have for other men thinking about getting married?
Make sure you pack your own parachute, and spend a lot of time packing it.  Don’t jump out of that plane unless you know you’re going to land safely.

What advice do you have for women who are thinking about getting married?
Why?  You could have anything in this world and you want a man?  We are dirty, smelly, lazy, not funny, vulgar, ridiculous and highly hypocritical. Just get a golden retriever and enjoy your life.

What do you think L’s first request as a wife will be?
“Can we go on a dinner date?”

What will your response be?
“Do we have to? I kinda wanna just relax for the rest of our lives and watch football, hockey, and college basketball”

What will be your first request be as a husband?
“Can you scoot over please, you’re touching me again.”

Are you ready to get married?
Yes. Next question

Why do you seem so angry?
I’m not! Next question please.

Do you have a problem with me?
Yes I do! You think you are such a great interviewer when in fact, you’re medicre at best!  Get over yourself!

I mean, honestly, right back at you kid!  You’re not the greatest interviewee either!  Get over YOURself!

::end of interview::

50/50? no chance….

January 19, 2011

So when this whole engagement thing started out, I wanted to be involved. I wanted to help out and make decisions and provide my expertise.

A mere two questions later, I found out that my “expertise” was not helpful at all.

L: What do you want the colors to be?
G: Uhh…what r my choices?
L: Persimmon, coral, fuscia….
G: Uhhh……perwho?
L: Persimmon…
G: Umm….yeah, u decide.

L: When should we have it?
G: Definitely not during football season, or the middle of the summer.  Sweaty grooms are not sexy.  and please not during march madness!
L: Are you serious?

…Yes I was.  When guys plan events, we have two times to worry about.

1) The time it (the actual event, not pregame/credits/anthems,precessional) starts, and
2) the time you want everyone to go home.

The latter is the most important of the two. When women plan events, they plan the time you have to walk in, hang your coat, “mingle“, have cock tails, bathroom breaks, sit down time, snack time, stand up time, dance time, game time, laughing time….it’s exhaustive and unneccessary to say the least.

Soon into this planning ordeal opportunity (N) I realized that I was not going to be much help. My brain just can’t decide if my body wants to dance before dinner but after salads, or after dinner but before the cake.

I went from wanting to be involved in the planning process on about 50% of the decisions, to about mm…20%.  It may sound selfish but trust me, It’s for the better!

I think when she started asking about the color of the flowers is when I realized I was out of my element. My crayon box as a kid was an 8 pack. I was strong with that 8 pack too! L obviously had a 248 deluxe color blast fusion set (with the crayon sharpener on the back of the box!).  I am still trying to figure out how to mix together my primary colors to make “fuscia” and “coral” or “fireworks“…how is fireworks even a color?? All the fireworks I’ve ever seen were different colors!

I think that is why this blog has gone from awesome and informative, to a how-to book on treading water in a womans world.

Right now I have so much water in my lungs, I don’t know how I will make it back to shore.

Maybe I should change this blog to “Life Ring of Yes”.

What’s life without rules?

December 28, 2010

Pretty soon L and I are going to meet with the DJ in order to get the playlist together for the reception. There is also a list of rules that I would like to discuss with this DJ to ensure maximal coolness at this unforgettable event.  Here are a few of these (minor) rules:

NO macarena, cha cha slide, limbo, choo choo train, cotton eye joe, or country music. This is not a sadie hawkins dance.
– Don’t go trying to get people out of their seats and on to the dance floor. I wouldn’t want to see your mom freak dancing to Beyonce so don’t encourage mine to do so (love you ma!)
– If a guy named Robbie comes up asking for you to play anything, say OK, but DO NOT PLAY IT! He will then say he is a groomsmen and slur some stuff about when we fought each other and that’s how we become such great friends, and he’ll probably mention being “brothers from another mother“…order him another jack and coke and he will forget all about it.
– One exception to the previous rule. If he requests Michael Jackson, play it immediately. Its sentimental. He will surely ask you to replay the same song multiple times throughout the night, please refer to previous rule for these cases.
– If you see me start to break dance and a crowd forming around me, (please, I beg of you) cut the music, hit the lights, and close the bar. Its time for me to go home!
– None of us are from DC so please don’t play any go-go.
– Please adjust the music selection to the room temperature. The groomsmen and I are all extremely sensitive to high temperatures. Our internal cooling systems produce massive amounts of perspiration to combat overheating. It is not a pretty sight to see four grown men sweating all over each other. Especially since I would have been sweating the whole day anyways from nerves and such. Please sneak in a slow song or two every once in a while.
– Neither L or I caught Bieber fever. We got immunized when we graduated high school.  Same goes for Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, and any other Disney artist.  Willow Smith is OK though.
No sexual innuendos please. My grandmother will be there. Keep it clean! She doesn’t know what “make it clap” means, and I don’t want to have to be the one to explain it to her!
– Any requests for songs from the 90’s hereby have my blanket approval. Anything from the 80’s (that doesn’t have the name Jackson in it) has a blanket deny. Any song from the 70’s again has my blanket approval (especially if it causes a soul train line to form)
– Lastly, don’t do or say anything that would land you on YouTube or Tosh.0 – this would cause a reaction that may land me on americas most wanted.

What would life a wedding be without rules?

Shopping spree….

December 9, 2010

For L’s birthday I bought her a shopping spree in NYC (the gift was free, but the result of the gift was not!). If you follow the blog  at all, you know she is a huge fan of shopping! Huge!  She is also a huge fan of NYC.  Her grandparents are from the city, and her mom went to school in Harlem….well outside of Harlem (BTW did you all hear about the massive drug bust at Columbia? Crazy! Maybe they should change the school to Colombia…get it? L ill explain it later)  With all of that said, me and L are as suburban as they come! We live in a high rise surrounded by grassy areas for dogs to poop in.  NYC has one huge park. (Well they have others but I saw one and trust me, I’d rather make my dog poop in the middle of Broadway than in that park!)

We started in Jersey where we promptly saw a group of 8 HS girls all wearing jeans tucked into their UGG boots.  I look at L and she is wearing (yup you guessed it) jeans tucked into her ugg boots.  So I ask the concierge how we get to the metro (thats what us DC kids call it), the know said the shuttle would take three of us for 10 bux, otherwise a cab company would take us…for cheaper. I still don’t know why it matters how many people because he gets paid 10 biux regardless but…whatever.  then L asked ” how far awy is it?”

“About a mile”
“On we can just walk” L exclaimed. WHAT??walk? Who?? I mean I got into an argument with a jersey kid once and he just confused my by calling me a bunch of names I’ve never heard before. I don’t want to go through that again. I had a migraine for two weeks after that.

Here is my thinking at this point. New jersey…home of DMX, every boxer not from philly, Brooklyn, or Detroit, the Sopranos, everyone in boardwalk empire (good show), and the worst band ever…Bon Jovi (spend a couple years at Bentleys at UMD and you’ll agree).  1 mile to this guy driving could really be like 2 miles walking, and a death sentence for two tourists with shopping bags and no pistol on me.  I am sure this fool never walked from here to the metro!

Of course, the next morning as we were cabbin’ to the metro, it was definitely 2 (not 1) miles of graffitti filled, memorial laden overpass and used car lot littered road.  And it was snowdrizzling (flurrying?), windy and stupid cold.  I would have been one bitter buddy had I let her convince me into walking!

Then we spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what train goes to NY.  Why have 5 different tracks downstirs and 8 more upstairs? Then have the amtrak, nj light rail and bus system, AND the long island railroad or something all go through the same station?  Confusing!! Also, why not color code the trains? Why is it 5 dollars to go two stops? It takes me 5 dollars to go through DC and into Maryland.

On a positive note though, NYC, you rock for having ticket guys on the train looking like train conductors of the 40s.  I felt like Don Draper for a second! I expected everyone to be smoking lucky strikes and reading the wall street journal.  Instead i got a bunch of people speaking ten different languages and checking out my hot fiancee(I didn’t mind the first part too much, but the second…eyes to yourself mister!)  I thought DC was an international town.  Its got nothin on NYC (My buddy Phil was right btw, toll operators near the city are extra surly).  Also, the first part of the trip lost its excitement when I got off the train and realized we stated in Jersey to be cheap yet onvenient…but we were easily an hour from our hotel room.  Not so convenient at all…just cheap.

Then we stepped out of the station and right underneath Madison Square Garden! I’m in Newwwww Yoooorrrrrrrkkkk (in my best Alicia Keys voice)…

Happy Birthday L!!

November 20, 2010

Today is L’s happy birthday!

I just want to say that I love you and you are special to me and to many.  You make me want to be a better man everyday, and you make me want to do whatever it takes to make you smile.  I promise to be your biggest fan, your favorite comedian, your kindest critic, your luckiest star, and your sturdiest support beam.

You’re the reason I wake up, and my excuse for staying up late.  You’re the only smile I dream about.

I don’t have anymore corny lines but I want to tell you that I love you again and for your birthday present….I am getting you something…super cool and awesome.

Happy Birthday!!

How to know she is the one

November 2, 2010

WordPress has this tool where you can check out the stats for the site and you can check out how people actually end up getting to your site.  Well apparently a lot of people want to know a very important question.

How to know she’s the one

I have exhausted this topic about how I found out she was the one i’m sure.  But in case you can’t remember,  here’s my post about it.

The day I knew she was the one

Well it’s kind of refreshing to know that people out there are feeling like little bees in a sugar bag.  They are all filled with glee and have no clue of the mess they are in for.  They obviously are experimenting with the fact that they might be…done.  Well,  I am here to tell all you guys out there that you have been done.  You’ve been done since you decided to open your computer and Google if you have found the one.

Don’t worry….I did the same thing a year ago.