4 days left as a single man.
As the countdown has gone from nearly 300 days to now 4 *gulp* the world is spinning really fast! Or at least my stomach thinks so. I am not nervous per se, but I am indeed… umm. READY TO GO! So I know a lot of people have questions for a nearly married man so I interviewed myself to get those answers out to the public. Enjoy
What’s it like being almost married?
It is actually a lot of the same crap that makes me so loveable. I mean, I woke up late today which is kind of different, but I still showered and skipped breakfast and nearly forgot my deodorant which is pretty normal for me. I had to go back in and get my deodorant on which is pretty important to being liked at work.
Are you scared at all?
I’m only scared of a few things. Thunderstorms especially, being left alone in a theme park, and …. well that’s all I can think of right now. I think getting married is like jumping out of an airplane. Nobody is ever afraid of jumping out of the airplane, it’s the unsafe landing that stops us all from jumping. If you pack your parachute with care and take your time, there’s no reason to be afraid. I can spend my time enjoying the ride down.
How was wedding planning?
Different than I imagined. I thought I was gonna be doing all kinds of things. Picking out flowers and colors and …whatever else goes into planning a wedding. I quickly found out that I care far less about everything than L did. In fact I barely cared at all I’m sure she would say. I helped with a few things though…like…trying on the tux she picked out.
How was the bachelor party? Crazy like the movies?
I did not have one. Because knowing my friends and family, more marriages and relationships would have been destroyed over a little male bonding. I instead spent some time with my groomsmen and that meant more to me than a little T&A (mom don’t google T&A please)
What has been the biggest challenge over the last year?
Random costly bills. By me not being very involved, there were constantly random things to pay for that I had very little to know about. Partial payments that felt more like layaway robbery. I’ll be glad when they are over and I can predict when I’m going to get beat up and mugged at swipe point.
What’s the first thing you’ll do as a married man when you get back from your honeymoon?
What? Cry? That’s a little harsh isn’t it?
No no, not because I’m married but because I’ll have to go to back to work. My job is awesome but it’s not Jamaica! After crying, I will try to get used to calling L my wife. This could take years, so I hope she’s patient.
Have your buddies been giving you a hard time?
Yes, apparently its funny to see your friends go through a marriage. Saying things like, “why?” and “are you crazy?” or “your life as you know it is now over. Foolish child!“. Its depressing! So to all of my friends I ask, where were you when I was dating ugly, unintelligent short, unathletic girls? Nobody warned me then! Some friends you were!
You sound a little bitter sir.
No not at all. They are just projecting their hate onto me. Luckily I have a solid foundation called “ego”. Its hard to break a man when his ego is bigger than life.
So on another topic not related to marriage, what’s the last dream you had?
I had a dream that a horse was falling off a cliff and I started laughed as it fell, then I was thinking, “wait was someone on that horse?” And I stopped laughing and became outraged and terrified. Then I looked over the cliff and was looking for the horse and I see the horse laying on one of those huge stunt balloon things that breaks the fall. Then I see a bunch of people clapping. And I’m like what the heck? Then I was thinking the horse tried to commit suicide? How sad!
….the horse tried to commit suicide?
Yeah man, it was depressed or something? Well that’s what the bystanders were saying.
….why were you near a horse, and a cliff?
How am I supposed to know? I was asleep! It was a dream! You asked the question, now you want me to analyze my own dream? This is ridiculous.
…are you on drugs?
What?! NO! Next question please.
Do you think you will miss being single?
What kind of question is that? Are you trying to get me killed? Of course I won’t miss it! In fact, I haven’t been single for years! I have a whole new set of challenges and adventures to look forward too…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
What advice do you have for other men thinking about getting married?
Make sure you pack your own parachute, and spend a lot of time packing it. Don’t jump out of that plane unless you know you’re going to land safely.
What advice do you have for women who are thinking about getting married?
Why? You could have anything in this world and you want a man? We are dirty, smelly, lazy, not funny, vulgar, ridiculous and highly hypocritical. Just get a golden retriever and enjoy your life.
What do you think L’s first request as a wife will be?
“Can we go on a dinner date?”
What will your response be?
“Do we have to? I kinda wanna just relax for the rest of our lives and watch football, hockey, and college basketball”
What will be your first request be as a husband?
“Can you scoot over please, you’re touching me again.”
Are you ready to get married?
Yes. Next question
Why do you seem so angry?
I’m not! Next question please.
Do you have a problem with me?
Yes I do! You think you are such a great interviewer when in fact, you’re medicre at best! Get over yourself!
I mean, honestly, right back at you kid! You’re not the greatest interviewee either! Get over YOURself!
::end of interview::