Navigating the mind of a woman…one tangent at a time

September 18, 2012

So you know what a tangent is right? In case you don’t, it’s a line that touches a circle or curve at one point, making it relevant to the circle or curve (non-mathematical explanation).  Otherwise it wouldn’t be relavant at all. It would just be a line next to a circle.  Well when people go off “on a tangentusually at some point it touches on the point that was originally in focus.  It may go off into lala land thereafter, but at some point, everyone can say “I see where that was relevant

Not with L.

With L, she has her own definition of a conversational tangent.  Case and point.

A few days ago when we were in the car and I was talking about how in college, I downloaded a song which I thought was an R. Kelly song called Chocolate Factory.  Instead I got the Veggie Tales version and when it came on, my friends would make fun of me.  I laughed, she laughed and immediately said the following…(please try to follow).

One time in college, me and my roommates were drinking (for story’s sake, she was of age, they weren’t) in the room and this RA had a crush on me, and he said he was coming down so we had to hide the bottles.  So, we stupidly hid them in paper bags in the middle of the floor!  Then when he came in, one of us bumped the bags and the bottle fell over.  So I said to the RA, “You didn’t hear anything, everything is just fine“.  And he kinda looked at me and said, “You girls be safe!” and I said, “We are!  We are just going down to Lucky’s and then coming right back home

End of story

This is about the point where I nearly explode because I realized halfway through that this story was headed off the highest cliff in conversation history!  I also could tell that she knew that as well.  She refused to look at me, and just waited for me to burst into laughter (which I did)

So remember I talked about how the tangent touches the original story at one point….I HAD to know where her story was related.  Her answer:

“You said in college, and then that reminded me of something that happened in college”

HAHA!  WHAT!?  That is great!  The mind of a woman is a laser maze of tangents.  I’m just Catherine Zeta-Jones, trying to navigate my way through safely.


5 important things I’ve learned in my first year of marriage!

May 30, 2012

In life, you look back and you reflect on things that sucked: Getting your wisdom teeth pulled (hasn’t happened for me yet), getting hit in the private parts for the first time; totaling your car, paying your first bill (which is usually your entire paycheck for some reason at age 16), getting your first B/C/D/F in school.

The thing is that you learn from those awful experiences some of the great lessons that will shape your future.

That brings me to marriage  (awful segway, I know).  Being married and in a great marriage at that has led me to reflect back on some things that sucked and the valuable lessons I learned from them.  I wanted to share with you 5 of those awesome sucky lessons.

1) Be careful what you say; your words are boomerangs with razor blades attached.

This one time I complained about L leaving her socks in the middle of the floor like Cambodian land mines.  Two weeks later, I get socks thrown in my face that she found under the couch and in the cusihons.  My old, crusty, fermented socks that had been composting for 2 weeks.  Thrown.  In my face!  I have yet to complain about her socks being anywhere.

2) Fighting is not what couples do.  It’s what unhappy couples do.

I didn’t realize until after me and L were together just how crazy it is to be fighting with someone you like or love or don’t even care about for that matter.  Me and L have disagreements all of the time, but we talk about it and it goes so much better.  This is much easier to say than it is to do and it takes practice and awareness of each others feelings and the effect of your words.

I wouldn’t have gotten to this point if I hadn’t been in a few explosive relationships in the past.  I have seen things get so bad that after 15 minutes of fighting, I could barely remember why I was so upset in the first place.  I just became a focus on getting the other person to stop yelling louder than me.  The only way to do that is the yell louder and say hurtful things.  See point #1 as to why this is never a good idea!

After all is said and done and the fog has cleared from the graveyard, the bones of bad words will haunt the relationship forever.   (creepy I know).  So I learned after lots of experimentation and apologies and waiting for apologies and demanding apologies that led to more fights about not respecting my need for an apology that was apparently unnecessary, THAT…it doesn’t have to be that way.  It shouldn’t be that way.

3) Remember how to “play cars”

Remember when you were a kid and the silliest things provided endless fun?  My nephew (He’s 5 now as he will proudly exclaim) wants me to do nothing else with him except play cars.  At one point, playing cars was simple.  It made sense to me and I could probably be happy doing nothing else except play cars too!  But now, life is vastly more complicated.  But why?  I was the type of kid who never got bored!

Even being the only child in my house from aged 7 on, I was never bored.  I’d throw the ball to myself, kick the ball to myself, hit the ball to myself. It didn’t matter!  Even as a college “kid” (I am starting to feel old) or a post grad, I was never bored.  I was being social and doing social things with social people.  Then I got married.

Boredom hit me fast and hard.  It wasn’t because I couldn’t find things to do. Heck, if anything, my wife found more things for me to do than I could ever tackle!  It was because things seemingly got exponentially more complicated.  I forgot how to just “play cars”.  So recently I took up a new hobby.  Golf!

Yes it’s expensive and extremely difficult, but it’s my “playing cars”.  It’s something I can just go be by myself and do.  If my wife wants to come along it makes it better!  If my buddies want to play it makes it better!  But alone it’s just as great.  It’s the adult form of “playing cars!”

4) Get it off your chest!

L has this thing where she randomly will say “Confession…” before she wants to say something that may be unexpected, embarrassing, slightly condescending, or just plain cute.  No matter the reasoning for her moment of candidness, I listen to her and take whatever she says seriously.  Sometimes it leads to a truly tearful confession and most of the time it’s just a silly little thing that she doesn’t feel entirely comfortable just coming out and saying.

I have to be honest, I love it when she has these moments of confession because it makes it OK for her to feel vulnerable and she knows that I am not going to judge her for whatever she may say next.  I know that L likes to talk in the car or when we are laying in bed at night with the lights completely off so I try to pick those times to ask her about something that she may not feel completely comfortable talking about at 2 pm on a Tuesday while we are both at work.

L knows that I feel more at ease on Fridays after I’ve had my weekend sip of whatever delicious gin concoction I have brewed up.  We usually have some of our most poignant discussions on Friday nights while just relaxing and watching a bad movie.  A friend told me a few months ago that the method that works best for he and his wife is to text their arguments or discussions.  They will go in different rooms and just text each other.  At first I thought it was crazy but it makes sense.  It takes all of the snide remarks and passive-aggressive comments and body language out of it.

By whatever means you find it necessary to spill your guts to your significant other, do it.  It’s worth it in the end to know that you can speak your mind and be heard and it makes it much easier to do the same when your partner is begging to expose their feelings.  Communication is key!  Any time me and L hold back … it never turns out well!

5) Dream together.  Who knows, maybe you’ll actually make them come true!

When I met L, I didn’t think that I would have a house, family, great job, and a happy life in general before age 30.  We talked about some things and kinda hinted that we wanted some things, but I don’t think either of us really believed that we could have or deserved the things we talked about.  That was until we really started taking what the other said and turning these dreams into a real life.

L expressed that she wanted to eventually be a stay at home mom.  I joked and said that I’d never make enough money and that I’d be working forever, then one day we started talking about her having her own business.  That little dream/joke turned into her having her own successful Mary Kay business which has surprised me with how well it has taken off in just a year!  The best part is that I cautiously supported her every step of the way.  It has been an awesome but trying to say the least.

Then we talked about getting a house.  We dreamed about it.  We made a smart reasonable plan and then things worked out to happen way faster than we had every planned for them to. Needless to say our big dreams came true. If we had never taken the time and faith to dream, who knows where we’d be.  Probably nowhere near where we are today!

Sometimes a dream turnes into a maybe which formulates itself into a plan.  Suddenly a plan is now an accomplishment which is now a celebration!

Help settle our argument!

February 2, 2012

This past weekend, we went for a walk (like an old married couple).  While on our walk we got into a hilarious but heated argument!  We both were adament about the other being wrong.  We didn’t really care about being right…I just know she’s wrong!  And, she knows I’m wrong.  See where this is going!? So as we break into full out laughter walking down the street, we decide to let my 7,000 readers be the judge of who is right and who is wrong!

FIrst off, let me explain the argument.  I have this thing where I like to walk on the side of L that is closest to the danger zone! In this case, the street is the danger zone as we walk down the sidewalk.  On the other side of L is some harmless woods and a field in this particular case.  Nothing dangerous except for a dead carcass or two. And maybe a fox or a bear.  I don’t know.  I try not think about those things.

Anyways, we are walking and she says, “I like how you like to walk on the inside/outside of me”  and I say, “Wait, i’m not on the inside/outside, I’m on the outside/inside.”  I can’t exactly say which word I used and which one she used because that would be unfair in judging the winner.

BTW, I just randomly selected one to go first and then switched them for the other person.  Don’t get too technical about my typing out the scenario, Inspector Gadget

This boggles my mind! So,  I decided to diagram the situation!

As you can now clearly see,  I am on the _______, where she is on the _______.  What do you think?!  Be sure to send this to your friends! The more votes the better!! Also, feel free to comment to explain yourself.


Public Apology and Praise

November 20, 2011

I want to take this time to apologize to my wife, L.  Last night she said something and I thought about what she said and after she left, I realized that she was indeed …. CORRECT!

We are planning on  painting our living room from a greenish greyish color to a more greyish….grey.  I am terrible with colors.  Like I said when we were picking out our wedding invitations, men are dealing with a 8 pack of crayons while women have the 256 colors, with the expansion kit and melting pot to create new colors.  So where I see different shades, she sees a totally different color.  So I don’t understand why we aren’t just painting the whole house the same color, but I don’t say anything.  I just let her colors flow.

So, anyways, back to the apology.  She said, “Painting this is room is going to be a huge job.  It’s not so much the painting, it’s going to be the taping and prep work.  It’ll take a day, at least.

I doubted her. Big time.  I thought maybe a few hours.  So I started taping last night.  I lost interest about 15 strips of tape later.  About 30 minutes after that, I started thinking about football and how to beat a cover 3 defense with 2 TE sets.  I started thinking about how I feel like I have been taping the room for two hours and I have gotten NOWHERE!

So as I continue taping, I look up and I have done maybe 1/16th of what we need to do.  Then I go upstairs and realize that we have a HUGE 20 foot wall….and only an 8 foot ladder….

I’m no mathematicianist but I got out my abacus and added 6 feet(my height) plus 8 feet (the ladder) and realized I am still about 6 feel short of reaching the top of the wall.  L is afraid of heights…to the point where before she climbed the bottom two rungs of the ladder, she warned me that if I heard a noise, to come quick, call the ambulance, and to get the will from under the mattress (JK, I dunno where the will is.  Something else I need to find out ASAP)

So as I stared at that wall I dreaded the fact that I was going to have to apologize to my wife (I am sorry for doubting you) and say those dreaded three words that are so difficult for any man to say. . .

You were right!

I am no financial planner!

May 26, 2011

I am in fierce debate and dispute over a missing 798 dollar charge to our Verizon bill (some dollar amounts were changed to protect the real identity of the payment amounts). L payed the bill and I payed it too. So we double payed. We overpayed!  So I have been checking our bills and bank account in regards to this charge ever since our wedding in April!  Verison refuses to acknowlege my 798 dollar payment, but they have hers!

I have contacted Verizon multiple times about this disappearing charge and I have sent in proofs of payment and the works! This is a lot of money that is missing from bank account! I need to have this money!!  This is absurd!

That is an ongoing piece of stressful drama in my life as the family accountant!  Then to throw another loop in the jump rope of life, I get a check…yes folks, a check from Arlington County! It simply says that its an Arlington County refund….for 1421 dollars.

Refund???? For what???  I only pay the government one time per year and that’s only the state and the federal.  I never pay the county!

So before cashing this extraordinary check, I decide to do some research to make sure its not a scam…or more importantly to make sure they don’t ask for this money back! Because, I’ll be in jail before I re-refund this 1421 dollars!

So as I’m doing my research, I sign up for this Arlington County payment thing and discover something. Something unbelievable….something so extremely odd that it had to be embarrassingly wrong.  But it wasn’t. It was embarrassing…but definitely not wrong.

I have been paying all of my Verizon Fios payments to the County of Arlington Cable department….

NOT Verizon…

…since November!

So the good people at the Arlington County Treasurers office have been sending me random refunds in the mail, while L and I have been double paying the Verizon bill.

Then the infamous couch peanut gallery (my wife) yesterday of course has the comedic nerve to say, “Do you want me to handle the bills hun?

Don’t call me hun you cheap shot artist!

The good news is we got our 1421 bucks back! Now if I could only find my dignity…

Unbelievable! Outfished by a nonfisher

May 9, 2011

Have you ever taught someone how to do something and then by the end of the lesson they’re so confident that they are better than you that they start to dish out advice?  Yah, meet my wife.

I grew up fishing. When I was three my dad had a few things he wanted me to know how to do: Throw a ball, ride a bike, and fish. For the next 15 years, fishing was my 2nd favorite thing to do right after drumming. When I went away to college I rarely fished again. So Friday I begged L for money to get fishing gear for this year. I built up a mental list in my mind on everything that I needed!  I was ready to say the least. Then as we are getting out of the car and I was on my way to Arundel Mills to buy gear she drops the bomb, “get me a pink or purple pole, please.

Pole??! You mean rod baby!  And pink or purple?  There’s no chance they’re going to have this. Boy was I wrong. I spent the first 15-20 minutes in the Bass Pro Shop sizing up pink and purple rod & reel combos. Ones for breast cancer, some with push buttons and mermaids, some were heavy duty. Unreal!

I finally go around this fisherman’s version of Neiman Marcus and collect all of the goodies I could ever want. I get to the register and watch it slowly climb above my budget. 40 dollars over the limit I try to mentally justify all of my hooks, lures, and shiny new purchases…finally I just decide that I have to make sure L enjoys fishing so she forgets about the budget.

Saturday comes, and its time to fish. We get a boat, motor, battery and a dozen nightcrawlers (worms) for her. “I’m not touching those!”, I heard at least a dozen times over the next 4 hours. We push off of land and out across the lake. She asks what kinda fish are in the lake. I tell her largemouth & smallmouth bass, gar, crappie, bluegill or sunfish, trout, & catfish.  Then she says, “I don’t want to catch a catfish! They are scary and ugly.”  Whatever…

I bait her hook and she casts out and promptly tangles her reel beyond recognition.  Twenty seconds and my plans are ruined.  There’s fishing line everywhere!  I haven’t even casted myself yet. I conclude that we are going to have to restring her reel mid boat trip…then suddenly her bobber disappears…..and doesn’t come back.

There we are, broken reel, its starting to rain, I haven’t even casted yet, string everywhere and something is taking off with her line.  Great.  She gets excited and starts pulling her rod in the air…this does nothing obviously.  And so I yank it up manually, the whole time thinking its a bass because it pulled it so deep down…but then its not fighting at all…this could only be one fish 🙂

Ahh is that a catfish? Ahh! Are you going to bring it in the boat? Don’t bring it in the boat! I’m not touching it!

I then wrap the towel (that I wisely and strategically brought along with us) around the catfish and hand it to L. I then show her how to remove the hook and she immediately throws that sucker back and is grinning from ear to ear at the fish she didn’t want to catch. Figures…

So I fix her reel and giver her more instruction and finally get to cast my line out a few times. I get one bite, weakly set the hook, amd the fish gets off. That concludes the action for G on the afternoon. L proceeds to catch another bluegill later in the afternoon and then the advice begins flow like Mississippi river.

L: Sorry little guy, we didn’t mean to hurt you.
Me: Hey, stop talking to the fish, we are trying to catch them
L: You are trying. I’m catching.  You have to be one with nature.

Here we go…I thought she would start getting cocky after maybe her second or third time fishing…not after the second fish!..the first one was even an accident!

This is my life.  My wife thinks she is now sponsored by the outdoor life network.  Maybe I overspent and I need to go get the purple “pole” for myself.

Interview with a crazy man: Myself

April 12, 2011

4 days left as a single man.

As the countdown has gone from nearly 300 days to now 4 *gulp* the world is spinning really fast!  Or at least my stomach thinks so. I am not nervous per se, but I am indeed… umm. READY TO GO! So I know a lot of people have questions for a nearly married man so I interviewed myself to get those answers out to the public. Enjoy

What’s it like being almost married?
It is actually a lot of the same crap that makes me so loveable. I mean, I woke up late today which is kind of different, but I still showered and skipped breakfast and nearly forgot my deodorant which is pretty normal for me. I had to go back in and get my deodorant on which is pretty important to being liked at work.

Are you scared at all?
I’m only scared of a few things. Thunderstorms especially, being left alone in a theme park, and …. well that’s all I can think of right now. I think getting married is like jumping out of an airplaneNobody is ever afraid of jumping out of the airplane, it’s the unsafe landing that stops us all from jumping. If you pack your parachute with care and take your time, there’s no reason to be afraid. I can spend my time enjoying the ride down.

How was wedding planning?
Different than I imagined. I thought I was gonna be doing all kinds of things. Picking out flowers and colors and …whatever else goes into planning a wedding. I quickly found out that I care far less about everything than L did. In fact I barely cared at all I’m sure she would say. I helped with a few things though…like…trying on the tux she picked out.

How was the bachelor party? Crazy like the movies?
I did not have one. Because knowing my friends and family, more marriages and relationships would have been destroyed over a little male bonding. I instead spent some time with my groomsmen and that meant more to me than a little T&A (mom don’t google T&A please)

What has been the biggest challenge over the last year?
Random costly bills. By me not being very involved, there were constantly random things to pay for that I had very little to know about. Partial payments that felt more like layaway robbery. I’ll be glad when they are over and I can predict when I’m going to get beat up and mugged at swipe point.

What’s the first thing you’ll do as a married man when you get back from your honeymoon?

What? Cry? That’s a little harsh isn’t it?
No no, not because I’m married but because I’ll have to go to back to work. My job is awesome but it’s not Jamaica! After crying, I will try to get used to calling L my wife.  This could take years, so I hope she’s patient.

Have your buddies been giving you a hard time?
Yes, apparently its funny to see your friends go through a marriage. Saying things like, “why?” and “are you crazy?” or “your life as you know it is now over. Foolish child!“.  Its depressing! So to all of my friends I ask, where were you when I was dating ugly, unintelligent short, unathletic girls? Nobody warned me then!  Some friends you were!

You sound a little bitter sir.
No not at all.  They are just projecting their hate onto me. Luckily I have a solid foundation called “ego”.  Its hard to break a man when his ego is bigger than life.

So on another topic not related to marriage, what’s the last dream you had?
I had a dream that a horse was falling off a cliff and I started laughed as it fell, then I was thinking, “wait was someone on that horse?” And I stopped laughing and became outraged and terrified. Then I looked over the cliff and was looking for the horse and I see the horse laying on one of those huge stunt balloon things that breaks the fall. Then I see a bunch of people clapping. And I’m like what the heck?   Then I was thinking the horse tried to commit suicide? How sad!

….the horse tried to commit suicide?
Yeah man, it was depressed or something? Well that’s what the bystanders were saying.

….why were you near a horse, and a cliff?
How am I supposed to know? I was asleep!  It was a dream! You asked the question, now you want me to analyze my own dream?  This is ridiculous.

…are you on drugs?
What?! NO! Next question please.

Do you think you will miss being single?
What kind of question is that?  Are you trying to get me killed? Of course I won’t miss it! In fact, I haven’t been single for years! I have a whole new set of challenges and adventures to look forward too…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

What advice do you have for other men thinking about getting married?
Make sure you pack your own parachute, and spend a lot of time packing it.  Don’t jump out of that plane unless you know you’re going to land safely.

What advice do you have for women who are thinking about getting married?
Why?  You could have anything in this world and you want a man?  We are dirty, smelly, lazy, not funny, vulgar, ridiculous and highly hypocritical. Just get a golden retriever and enjoy your life.

What do you think L’s first request as a wife will be?
“Can we go on a dinner date?”

What will your response be?
“Do we have to? I kinda wanna just relax for the rest of our lives and watch football, hockey, and college basketball”

What will be your first request be as a husband?
“Can you scoot over please, you’re touching me again.”

Are you ready to get married?
Yes. Next question

Why do you seem so angry?
I’m not! Next question please.

Do you have a problem with me?
Yes I do! You think you are such a great interviewer when in fact, you’re medicre at best!  Get over yourself!

I mean, honestly, right back at you kid!  You’re not the greatest interviewee either!  Get over YOURself!

::end of interview::