Unbelievable! Outfished by a nonfisher

May 9, 2011

Have you ever taught someone how to do something and then by the end of the lesson they’re so confident that they are better than you that they start to dish out advice?  Yah, meet my wife.

I grew up fishing. When I was three my dad had a few things he wanted me to know how to do: Throw a ball, ride a bike, and fish. For the next 15 years, fishing was my 2nd favorite thing to do right after drumming. When I went away to college I rarely fished again. So Friday I begged L for money to get fishing gear for this year. I built up a mental list in my mind on everything that I needed!  I was ready to say the least. Then as we are getting out of the car and I was on my way to Arundel Mills to buy gear she drops the bomb, “get me a pink or purple pole, please.

Pole??! You mean rod baby!  And pink or purple?  There’s no chance they’re going to have this. Boy was I wrong. I spent the first 15-20 minutes in the Bass Pro Shop sizing up pink and purple rod & reel combos. Ones for breast cancer, some with push buttons and mermaids, some were heavy duty. Unreal!

I finally go around this fisherman’s version of Neiman Marcus and collect all of the goodies I could ever want. I get to the register and watch it slowly climb above my budget. 40 dollars over the limit I try to mentally justify all of my hooks, lures, and shiny new purchases…finally I just decide that I have to make sure L enjoys fishing so she forgets about the budget.

Saturday comes, and its time to fish. We get a boat, motor, battery and a dozen nightcrawlers (worms) for her. “I’m not touching those!”, I heard at least a dozen times over the next 4 hours. We push off of land and out across the lake. She asks what kinda fish are in the lake. I tell her largemouth & smallmouth bass, gar, crappie, bluegill or sunfish, trout, & catfish.  Then she says, “I don’t want to catch a catfish! They are scary and ugly.”  Whatever…

I bait her hook and she casts out and promptly tangles her reel beyond recognition.  Twenty seconds and my plans are ruined.  There’s fishing line everywhere!  I haven’t even casted myself yet. I conclude that we are going to have to restring her reel mid boat trip…then suddenly her bobber disappears…..and doesn’t come back.

There we are, broken reel, its starting to rain, I haven’t even casted yet, string everywhere and something is taking off with her line.  Great.  She gets excited and starts pulling her rod in the air…this does nothing obviously.  And so I yank it up manually, the whole time thinking its a bass because it pulled it so deep down…but then its not fighting at all…this could only be one fish 🙂

Ahh is that a catfish? Ahh! Are you going to bring it in the boat? Don’t bring it in the boat! I’m not touching it!

I then wrap the towel (that I wisely and strategically brought along with us) around the catfish and hand it to L. I then show her how to remove the hook and she immediately throws that sucker back and is grinning from ear to ear at the fish she didn’t want to catch. Figures…

So I fix her reel and giver her more instruction and finally get to cast my line out a few times. I get one bite, weakly set the hook, amd the fish gets off. That concludes the action for G on the afternoon. L proceeds to catch another bluegill later in the afternoon and then the advice begins flow like Mississippi river.

L: Sorry little guy, we didn’t mean to hurt you.
Me: Hey, stop talking to the fish, we are trying to catch them
L: You are trying. I’m catching.  You have to be one with nature.

Here we go…I thought she would start getting cocky after maybe her second or third time fishing…not after the second fish!..the first one was even an accident!

This is my life.  My wife thinks she is now sponsored by the outdoor life network.  Maybe I overspent and I need to go get the purple “pole” for myself.

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Weekend Gameplan: Meet the L’s!

July 24, 2010

WEEKEND GAMEPLAN

Opponent – Dinner tonight!

Objective Eat good food, have fun, begin the melting of two great families!

Key players to watch – My big fat mouth!

Key points to focus on – My family is great.  We laugh, we joke, we inspire, we tell stories, we support each other, and we just have a great time.  L’s family is great.  They do much of the same and more!  It shouldn’t be hard to find topics between all of our adventurous lives (especially mine).  It also shouldn’t be hard for me to just sit down, shut up, and not make a fool of myself or my family.  I have a tendency to freak out and say stuff.  I hope my big fat mouth can just laugh and eat.  Checkpoints don’t fail me now!

Plays to avoid – I should definitely avoid making fun of L.  It can only end poorly.  If we all get a kick out of it, she kicks my rear end later for embarrassing her in front of EVERYONE!  If I end up saying something mean (highly probable based on my previous track record) then my family will take her side and her family will be offended, and I will be stuck on a lonely island!  I should definitely avoid the wine.  Although that will be hard because I will be extremely nervous! I will just have to be smart about the whole thing!  Stay calm G!

Final pep talk – Two great families coming together is a wonderful thing.  Me and L both are excited, but I am nervous as well.  I know that I will calm down considerably when I see my brother. My best man!  My nephew Miles should bring some good entertainment too!  He’s amazingly unintentionally hilarious!  I think that we will all have a great time.  So just relax G!  I got this!  Can’t wait to eat whatever is for dinner!  The L’s always make GREAT food!  mmm!!! I’m excited!

Can’t wait to tell you guys about it on Monday!