The day I knew she was the one

May 31, 2010

On November 20 2006, my brother called me at work and simply told me to make my way to my dad’s as soon as I could.  I left immediately and I knew the reason why I was going.  I’d dreaded this day for a year and a half.  I’d thought about it a million times but nothing can prepare you for it.

I walked into my dad’s house and was greeted by a hug from my brother Trey.  I walked into the living room and turned to see my best friend, my number one fan, my father, my dad, laying on his hospital bed in front of the TV.  He had passed a few hours earlier.

I can’t explain the feeling of losing half your childhood and then staring it in the face knowing it will never stare back.  I was angry, sad, disappointed, disgusted, lost, and helpless all rolled into a fresh 24 year old recent college grad.

Fast forward three years. November 20 2009.  L and I go to visit my dad at Arlington National Cemetery where he is buried.

There he is“, I say.  L just stops and looks at his headstone.  She had seen it dozens of times in pictures, but this time was different.  I smiled and kneeled in front of his headstone.  I turned to look at L and both cheeks were covered in tears.  I had come to see my dad a few times since his passing and I had never cried.  Not even the day he was buried.

When I looked at L and saw her tears, I knew exactly why she was crying.  Her love and support triggered the flow of my own tears.  L was born on November 20.  This wasn’t just the memorial of my dad’s passing, the date now held a new meaning.  I get to celebrate my new best friend, and my new number one fan.

I feel like I know him,” she sniffled.  “I do know him.  He is a part of you.

There was something magical about that trip to Arlington.  A lot of pieces fell into place that day.  A lot of fears disappeared.  I can’t describe it.  It was just a feeling.  I suddenly wasn’t shy about how I felt about someone.  For once, there was no hesitation in letting someone love me.

I think people in relationships always wonder when they will know that the person is the one but it is different for everyone.  Some of us have love at first sight. Some of us have a revelation in the middle of the night.  Some of us fall gradually in love.  Some of us simply stop denying that we’ve been in love forever.

My plan was set in motion on November 20 2006….

On L’s 27th birthday, exactly three years later, I realized she was the plan.






And the wedding planning officially begins

May 30, 2010

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So L comes over Friday and has a nice new pink bag (which she complained I didn’t grab for her out of the trunk when we got home…fat chance!). I didn’t pay it any attention until I see the word “Bride” in huge bold white letters plastered on the side.

Nice bag” I say sarcastically. She just turns and grins at me. She thinks she is slick!

Then we get inside and talk about our weeks (which were hugely different for both of us.  She bragged about being engaged, while I tried to keep afloat in the pool of sh crap I was pushed into).  Then she nonchalantly says, “tell me when you’re ready

Oblivious, I say “ready for what?” which is met by another grin. THEN she pulls out this monstrous 200 page wedding planner!!!


Yes that DOES say The ULTIMATE Wedding Planner & Organizer.  Seriously?  Whatever happened to folders and binders.

Then I made the mistake of asking a question about why something or another happens (that was my first mistake, asking why).  “Here, read this” and then L flipped open to some page way in the back and I read about the traditions and history of weddings

……

Did you know the reason the bride stands on the left is because back in the olden days, the groom would have to have his sword hand free in case someone came to swoop up his bride for ransom (Yes, his sword hand).

Does this mean, I can wear a sword to the wedding.  IDEAS!!!

This is when the planning started.  I will have to update you guys on that debacle later!  So far, we have discussed the registry, the reception itself, and some other things I don’t really recall right now (my mind is protecting itself).

Don’t you dare think that was the only thing in the bag.  The first bridal magazine has made its way into my apartment.  I have been shown plenty of pictures from it already.

Who even knew they had regional wedding magazines….unreal.  Thanks wedspace.com and theknot.com for giving me something fun to do on this three day weekend </sarcasm>.


“Happy wife, happy life”? …obvious propaganda!

May 29, 2010

Just because it rhymes doesn’t make it true!  You can’t just please the woman outright.  You have to do it in a roundabout, tricky, smart, partners-in-crime manner.

There’s a reason that they teach us the meaning of the word appeasement around the same time puberty hits for boys! I am just saying!

Women are like cobras. If you corner them, THEY WILL STRIKE! Hard, fast, and without remorse!

Here are some great tips and tricks that I have learned to keep my *pause* fiancee *pause again* happy.  Communication is the key,  but timing and delivery of that communication are the doorbell to her letting you in!

  • She will stop talking if you keep saying “huh?” (Doesn’t work if she is not very smart.  She will just keep repeating her sentences.  Know your enemy!)
  • Start every possibly destructive idea or suggestion with “Baby, maybe,” (also known as the tiptoe technique)
  • Never talk louder than her if she is getting loud. Her hearing gets better, but her caring suddenly vanishes. (This is like throwing grenades from the bottom of a well….it can only get so much worse)
  • If you don’t want to do something she asks of you, please don’t respond to the request with “honestly?” “Today?!?” “But…“, or any sound of frustration, sarcasm, or disgust. She washes your underwear and she has a camera phone (tread lightly…no pun intended)
  • Any major decisions you make without asking for her opinion will result in a subtle accumulation of ambush tasks or surprise schedulings. (grenades up a well again)
  • Don’t ask what color it is. You won’t agree. (ever)
  • Don’t correct her on the color. She will tell you the Crayola recipe. (we are dealing with an 8 pack of crayons, while women have the Bob Ross Limited Edition Crayola Creation pack)

  • Your positive opinion means nothing when jean shopping but your negative opinion is golden. Therefore tell her what you don’t like and she will then realize what you love. (I learned this jean shopping, but it applies to so much else!)
  • Highlights cost more than a color change. They are quicker too. (Similar to the ‘Ugly jeans’ rule from above.  Dislike the color change, and act clueless about highlightsCombine with the ‘huh’ rule once you think she understands)
  • Despite what she says, her bedtime is ideally your bedtime (treat bedtime like the opening line of that Christmas poem, “…when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”)

George Bush said it best!  It’s all about  


The ice cream…

May 28, 2010

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This is the ice cream in question.  It is about 3 inches tall, 3 inches wide, hardly filling, but deliciously fresh.  3.6 fluid ounces of heaven. L told me she had some of it last week.  Keyword: some

Here’s how much some is:

Hard to see here, but that is about half-an-inch scooped scraped off the top!

Now this isn’t an issue, but I am just confused about whether or not I am expected to have the same definition of some. Maybe I am over spending on groceries around here!

You couldn’t pay me to eat just a few scrapes of ice cream.  Sorry L, it might be gone when you get home!


Why should I get married? (Ms. Yes responds…and it ain’t pretty!)

May 27, 2010

UPDATE: Well…L aka Ms. Yes aka Ms. I’m-always-right read the post.  And responded.  And proves, that as always, I am wrong again.  Her responses and comments are below in pink.  Without further adieu (ugh more french), Take it away L! uhhmm…….i do not like this post…. (great! Here we go!)

OK wait wait wait!

Before you draft up your hate mail and light your torches to come burn my apartment down, hear me out!  I was simply wondering what I could get out of this!  I mean, that didn’t come out right.  How can I benefit from this arrangement.  I mean, not arrangement, but, this union.  ……I’ll just start with the list:

  1. Apparently married men make 22% more than single men!
  2. Property rights (her stuff is my crap – Good and bad)
  3. Married men have a lower mortality rate when it comes to cancer….morbid, but a benefit nonetheless
  4. Discounts on auto, homeowners, and health insurance
  5. Visitation rights in jail (Good to know for her)
  6. Married men receive higher performance ratings at work (after this past week at work, I desperately need this)
  7. Married men have more sex (no comment needed)
  8. Tax breaks and the like (GObama!)

Those are the obvious ones.  Now my own personal list 🙂

There are plenty of reasons to get married..none having to do with what you lined out..

  1. Free good meals!
    • Just cuz I can cook, and I’m good, doesn’t mean I’m cooking ALL the meals!! You can cook and do a damn good job too!
  2. Permanent babysitter (I don’t have kids yet, but you better believe I am planning on it)
    • Permanent babysitter!?!? WTH? I do that at my job, I don’t wanna come home and do it for our four kids plus babysit you!!
  3. Another bank account to add to mine (it’s like getting a pay raise!)
    • who said we were joining bank accounts? And even if we do, you get an allowance while I take care of bills.
  4. Mandatory backrubs (I shouldn’t say this too loud, this goes both ways…ugh!)
    • Backrubs!? You told me to sign up for Massage Envy so you didn’t have to give any….if you want one, you sign up as well.
  5. Someone to talk to when I’m bored
    • I agree with this one.
  6. Someone to call when I lock myself out of my house/car/job/etc.
    • You work in Rockville, I work in Alexandria…im not coming to help out at work. Home and car…depends where that is.
  7. Someone to laugh at my terrible jokes (Lwould say an ego inflater, I say confidence booster)
    • I laugh…sometimes at you, sometimes at the joke, sometimes because I can’t believe what you just said.
  8. Someone to toss me toilet paper (L loves this commercial for some terrible reason)
    • I do LOVE this commercial! And we ain’t buying the cheap stuff either!!
  9. Someone that when you tell them ‘I love you’ they legally have to say it back (romance)
    • Legally have to respond, I love you. I dont know of any laws that will lock me up if I don’t say it back. But don’t worry baby, Ill always say it back because I do love you!

Aww…marriage. Gonna be blissful!


Menus and venues … the confusion continues

May 25, 2010

L sends me a list of venues today. I am looking at them. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’m looking at them.

Music is playing in the background while some pictures of happy people kiss and cut cake. Pictures of hands with rings. a dance floor. Nice wood.  Is that cherry?

Some flowers on a table. More hands. This time of flower holding women. Bridesmaids or something? A guy, with a terrible haircut that his wife probably made him get.  I bet he didn’t know his bowlcut would be plastered all over some wedding site! *Sucker*

Some pictures of DC, even though the venue is in Virginia. Wait, did they drive to DC to take pictures? and then drive back to the venue?!  that’s a little extra don’t ya think?! (Oh no, am I going to have to do that?….)

So then it hits me. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing with these websites. I’m a guy, so I am looking at how attractive the brides are (just looking!).  The website design.  The picture quality. All of things that don’t matter at all when picking a place to celebrate the joining of two worlds (aww that was cute).

I realize I am about to sabotage my own wedding when I nearly decide to eliminate a place because I can’t find the menu!  Then when I do find the menu, I don’t’ understand it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t raised in a barn or anything but I also don’t have my culinary degree from Harvard (I’m sure they have a world class home Ec. class or something) .

As I am looking at these sites and particularly the menu, I realize that I am utterly clueless.  For example, tartare.   If I had to guess, I would say some sauce of some sort? WRONG!  Google slapped me in the face with the “finely chopped raw meat” description.  Great, just what I want is my future mother-in-law over in the corner vomiting from some chefs deceiving spoonful of the devil’s tongue.

Apparently weddings are French also!  I have heard of appetizers, starters, and even hors d’oeuvres, but what is canapé? My trustworthy friends Googz (Google) and WikiTikiTavi (Wikipedia) again describe it as a small decorative finger food.  OK?  How does that differ from the an hors d’oeuvres? (btw, how does this word make the sound or dervs?  Ha! French people)  or is it just a way to charge more because I’ve never had a canapé before!?

Then there’s one menu that lists delicious items!  and then ruins them or confuses me all in one line.  For example –

  • Buttermilk fried chicken bites – creamy mustard dip (no sweet and sour, or BBQ sauce with the nuggets?)
  • Mini crab cakes – remoulade sauce (WHAT?! is that like Lemonade flavored Remy?)
  • Fried mac and cheese – Truffle parmesean fondue (tripled the price with the truffle)
  • Crisped, grilled, marinated and juiced vegetables display (Juiced? You mean like V8?)
  • Herb roast chicken, chanterelle mushroom and sherry ragout, lyonnaise potato (I seriously had to google three out of four of those things on my plate!)

Here.  Let me translate what each of these for you so you don’t have to Google them like I did:

  • Delicious chicken nuggets without BBQ or sweet and sour sauce.  Just some white mustard.  That’s all, sorry.
  • Baby crab cakes with yellow tartar sauce
  • Fried mac and cheese with a hot cheesy mushroom dip
  • Fresh, grilled, and marinated veggies on a table.  There will also be some V8 to help keep you regular.
  • Herb roast chicken, wild mushroom and wine stew, and butter sauteed potatoes

No wonder they just have you taste everything.  What did people do before they could Google and Wikipedia these ridiculous menus?  *sigh* I better get back to translating this menú de canapé!


My dream wedding? Sounds like a high school physical!

May 24, 2010

So in all my days, there have been very few questions dealing with hypotheticals that I couldn’t answer. Actually, I can’t think of any.

Men love to play the hypothetical game. Probably because our real lives are extremely boring.

– Bro, if you walked in on Floyd Mayweather with your GF, would you fight for your honor? Or blackmail him?
– Who would you rather start a franchise around? Kobe or LeBron?
– Prime rib or filet?
– Liquor or beer?
– What’s your dream car?
– If you won the lottery, how would you quit your job?

All easy questions to answer! (Camera phone blackmail, LeBron, BMW 760Li, and i’d shatter the glass on my bosses office door, sit down in the chair across from him, clear his desk with my feet, and pop gummi bears in my mouth as I tell him about the things I’m not going to do anymore…including working here!) Sidenote: I love my job, and my boss is amazing. He doesn’t even have a glass door. But that’s the beauty of a hypothetical.  The whole scenario changes to be perfect in your head!

Now, L asked me last night, of course just as I was dozing off:

If you could have your dream wedding, and have it be perfect from the venue to the reception to the food to the blah and the blah

What?!?!

First things that came to mind:

  • Everyone gets their own bottle of bacardi and coke
  • Buffalo wings (Old Bay, Traditional, hot, teriyaki, lemon pepper, and naked)
  • I get to sit down at the alter until she gets there
  • 4 minute ceremony
  • No first dance
  • No tux
  • My grandmother caters the reception
  • No formal pictures; Just action photos
  • A projection TV screen showing the game (doesn’t matter what game…whatever’s on will do)
  • Guest performances by Beyonce, Marvin Gaye, Adele, and R. Kelly (for comedic purposes)

Now everything in me is telling me this is OK.  Everything except my common sense.  If I start rattling off this list, I might get punched in the back of the neck by L.  In high school a buddy once told me that I didn’t have any checkpoints.

“You know when your brain thinks something and sends that thought to your mouth, well most people have checkpoints along the way that reject or accept this thought before committing it to words and then to speech.  You?  Don’t have any.”

Somewhere between almost falling asleep and L asking this question, I miraculously developed these checkpoints.  And now that I have read my list of good ideas for a wedding, boy am I glad that I did so.

Seriously though, what guy dreams about his wedding?  It’s really not his wedding.  We don’t dream about violins playing and lilies lining the aisle and pansies (the flower) in the center of the table, or people throwing rice,  and flower girls and ring boys.

We always see the wedding process as being similar to getting a physical to play football when you’re a kid.

You show up at the doctor’s office and you strip down and a robe smock huge napkin on, and your mom is in the room because she’s “seen it a million times” and refuses to leave.  Then you try not to cry when the doctor tells you that you have to get a MMR shot, a tetanus shot, and a flu shot.  Then there’s the turn and cough drill.  You ask the Dr. “am I going to be tall?”  And he tells you, “you’re going to be 5’8″ at the tallest.”  Not good, when you’re 14, 5’2″…and 80 pounds.

But when we put the pads on on the first day of practice.  It makes it all worth it! (nice save G.  thanks)

I sure hope L doesn’t ask me about my dream bachelor party….