3 years ago today, we took a leap and had our first date on Valentine’s Day. Something happened that day that I will never be able to explain…nor will I ever try. Thank you and I love you. I wrote you this as I remember that day…
I stand there in the mall, leaning on the pole with all the weight of my nervous anticipation that the concrete column could bear. My normally able legs tremble with every heel click coming from around the corner. The corner that I know will present you in only a matter of time. The corner that will deliver months of hidden smiles and hopeful conversations.
I wonder if you will see me or my detonated heart first. Only my rib cage holding it back from exploding. My cloak of confidence could be snatched away at the first sight if I dont maintain my composure. So I unbutton another button on my polo. That should distract you slightly, I think. I suddenly find it funny that I choose to hide my apprehension with a distracting display of false confidence.
I have no clue what I am nervous about or what I am thinking about so I try to shut my mind off, but only long enough to hear another set of heels clicking from down the hidden mall corridor. My fingers find themselves re-buttoning my shirt to regain modesty as my legs begin to boil with exhaustive energy.
I check my watch. It’s still early. I don’t know you well, but I know you wont be late. And for some reason, this makes me glad that I am here early. In fact, I think to myself that you’ve probably been sitting in your car for the last 10 minutes, planning your escape route in case I’m not who I said I am. Or perhaps you’re watching me right now.
I covertly look around for someone who may resemble what I think you’d look like. I see an old lady with her grandson looking at books in the bookstore across the hall. A young girl typing away on her cell phone outside of the restaurant. Another gentleman nervously bouncing his leg as he waits for someone.
Just as I start to explode with anxiety, I see them. A couple; Holding hands and walking towards the baby store. One day that will be me. Us perhaps. Except for the holding hands and walking towards a baby store part. But I can see myself with someone else. Walking. As a couple. That’s why I’m here, right? I turn back to the man sitting on the couch waiting for someone. He gets up and walks into the bar alone. Maybe he isn’t waiting for someone. That could be me also if I’m not careful.
Just as I start to relax I hear the sound of heels again and my stomach drops to my knees before springing back up to my chin. I tune in to the sound from around the corner and try not to stare too hard at it from the corner of my eye. I can’t see you yet but I know its you because your aura precedes you.
Like fanfare, your heels announce comfort and an allure that’s been missing for years. Spine melting giggles and a staggering smile are all that I will be blinded by for the next three hours. The rest of my senses will be puppeted by your presence. I have no clue what I am in for but your hypnotic glow will erase all doubts along with the memory of their presence.
Like a flash of lightning your smile disarms me of any diffidence and show me the answer to any dismay. As you get closer and your hazel eyes welcome me to paradise, my mind goes blank and I peel myself from the precarious spot against the pole. Your smile knocks my confidence askew and I freeze trying to speak. The closer you get, the less I can remember, the more I lose consciousness of, and the greater my stability sways. Suddenly you sing me your name and my mind goes numb.
But I know I will never be the same.