Menus and venues … the confusion continues

L sends me a list of venues today. I am looking at them. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’m looking at them.

Music is playing in the background while some pictures of happy people kiss and cut cake. Pictures of hands with rings. a dance floor. Nice wood.  Is that cherry?

Some flowers on a table. More hands. This time of flower holding women. Bridesmaids or something? A guy, with a terrible haircut that his wife probably made him get.  I bet he didn’t know his bowlcut would be plastered all over some wedding site! *Sucker*

Some pictures of DC, even though the venue is in Virginia. Wait, did they drive to DC to take pictures? and then drive back to the venue?!  that’s a little extra don’t ya think?! (Oh no, am I going to have to do that?….)

So then it hits me. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing with these websites. I’m a guy, so I am looking at how attractive the brides are (just looking!).  The website design.  The picture quality. All of things that don’t matter at all when picking a place to celebrate the joining of two worlds (aww that was cute).

I realize I am about to sabotage my own wedding when I nearly decide to eliminate a place because I can’t find the menu!  Then when I do find the menu, I don’t’ understand it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t raised in a barn or anything but I also don’t have my culinary degree from Harvard (I’m sure they have a world class home Ec. class or something) .

As I am looking at these sites and particularly the menu, I realize that I am utterly clueless.  For example, tartare.   If I had to guess, I would say some sauce of some sort? WRONG!  Google slapped me in the face with the “finely chopped raw meat” description.  Great, just what I want is my future mother-in-law over in the corner vomiting from some chefs deceiving spoonful of the devil’s tongue.

Apparently weddings are French also!  I have heard of appetizers, starters, and even hors d’oeuvres, but what is canapé? My trustworthy friends Googz (Google) and WikiTikiTavi (Wikipedia) again describe it as a small decorative finger food.  OK?  How does that differ from the an hors d’oeuvres? (btw, how does this word make the sound or dervs?  Ha! French people)  or is it just a way to charge more because I’ve never had a canapé before!?

Then there’s one menu that lists delicious items!  and then ruins them or confuses me all in one line.  For example –

  • Buttermilk fried chicken bites – creamy mustard dip (no sweet and sour, or BBQ sauce with the nuggets?)
  • Mini crab cakes – remoulade sauce (WHAT?! is that like Lemonade flavored Remy?)
  • Fried mac and cheese – Truffle parmesean fondue (tripled the price with the truffle)
  • Crisped, grilled, marinated and juiced vegetables display (Juiced? You mean like V8?)
  • Herb roast chicken, chanterelle mushroom and sherry ragout, lyonnaise potato (I seriously had to google three out of four of those things on my plate!)

Here.  Let me translate what each of these for you so you don’t have to Google them like I did:

  • Delicious chicken nuggets without BBQ or sweet and sour sauce.  Just some white mustard.  That’s all, sorry.
  • Baby crab cakes with yellow tartar sauce
  • Fried mac and cheese with a hot cheesy mushroom dip
  • Fresh, grilled, and marinated veggies on a table.  There will also be some V8 to help keep you regular.
  • Herb roast chicken, wild mushroom and wine stew, and butter sauteed potatoes

No wonder they just have you taste everything.  What did people do before they could Google and Wikipedia these ridiculous menus?  *sigh* I better get back to translating this menú de canapé!

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