So in all my days, there have been very few questions dealing with hypotheticals that I couldn’t answer. Actually, I can’t think of any.
Men love to play the hypothetical game. Probably because our real lives are extremely boring.
– Bro, if you walked in on Floyd Mayweather with your GF, would you fight for your honor? Or blackmail him?
– Who would you rather start a franchise around? Kobe or LeBron?
– Prime rib or filet?
– Liquor or beer?
– What’s your dream car?
– If you won the lottery, how would you quit your job?
All easy questions to answer! (Camera phone blackmail, LeBron, BMW 760Li, and i’d shatter the glass on my bosses office door, sit down in the chair across from him, clear his desk with my feet, and pop gummi bears in my mouth as I tell him about the things I’m not going to do anymore…including working here!) Sidenote: I love my job, and my boss is amazing. He doesn’t even have a glass door. But that’s the beauty of a hypothetical. The whole scenario changes to be perfect in your head!
Now, L asked me last night, of course just as I was dozing off:
“If you could have your dream wedding, and have it be perfect from the venue to the reception to the food to the blah and the blah”
First things that came to mind:
- Everyone gets their own bottle of bacardi and coke
- Buffalo wings (Old Bay, Traditional, hot, teriyaki, lemon pepper, and naked)
- I get to sit down at the alter until she gets there
- 4 minute ceremony
- No first dance
- No tux
- My grandmother caters the reception
- No formal pictures; Just action photos
- A projection TV screen showing the game (doesn’t matter what game…whatever’s on will do)
- Guest performances by Beyonce, Marvin Gaye, Adele, and R. Kelly (for comedic purposes)
Now everything in me is telling me this is OK. Everything except my common sense. If I start rattling off this list, I might get punched in the back of the neck by L. In high school a buddy once told me that I didn’t have any checkpoints.
“You know when your brain thinks something and sends that thought to your mouth, well most people have checkpoints along the way that reject or accept this thought before committing it to words and then to speech. You? Don’t have any.”
Somewhere between almost falling asleep and L asking this question, I miraculously developed these checkpoints. And now that I have read my list of good ideas for a wedding, boy am I glad that I did so.
Seriously though, what guy dreams about his wedding? It’s really not his wedding. We don’t dream about violins playing and lilies lining the aisle and pansies (the flower) in the center of the table, or people throwing rice, and flower girls and ring boys.
We always see the wedding process as being similar to getting a physical to play football when you’re a kid.
You show up at the doctor’s office and you strip down and a robe smock huge napkin on, and your mom is in the room because she’s “seen it a million times” and refuses to leave. Then you try not to cry when the doctor tells you that you have to get a MMR shot, a tetanus shot, and a flu shot. Then there’s the turn and cough drill. You ask the Dr. “am I going to be tall?” And he tells you, “you’re going to be 5’8″ at the tallest.” Not good, when you’re 14, 5’2″…and 80 pounds.
But when we put the pads on on the first day of practice. It makes it all worth it! (nice save G. thanks)
I sure hope L doesn’t ask me about my dream bachelor party….