My dream wedding? Sounds like a high school physical!

So in all my days, there have been very few questions dealing with hypotheticals that I couldn’t answer. Actually, I can’t think of any.

Men love to play the hypothetical game. Probably because our real lives are extremely boring.

– Bro, if you walked in on Floyd Mayweather with your GF, would you fight for your honor? Or blackmail him?
– Who would you rather start a franchise around? Kobe or LeBron?
– Prime rib or filet?
– Liquor or beer?
– What’s your dream car?
– If you won the lottery, how would you quit your job?

All easy questions to answer! (Camera phone blackmail, LeBron, BMW 760Li, and i’d shatter the glass on my bosses office door, sit down in the chair across from him, clear his desk with my feet, and pop gummi bears in my mouth as I tell him about the things I’m not going to do anymore…including working here!) Sidenote: I love my job, and my boss is amazing. He doesn’t even have a glass door. But that’s the beauty of a hypothetical.  The whole scenario changes to be perfect in your head!

Now, L asked me last night, of course just as I was dozing off:

If you could have your dream wedding, and have it be perfect from the venue to the reception to the food to the blah and the blah

What?!?!

First things that came to mind:

  • Everyone gets their own bottle of bacardi and coke
  • Buffalo wings (Old Bay, Traditional, hot, teriyaki, lemon pepper, and naked)
  • I get to sit down at the alter until she gets there
  • 4 minute ceremony
  • No first dance
  • No tux
  • My grandmother caters the reception
  • No formal pictures; Just action photos
  • A projection TV screen showing the game (doesn’t matter what game…whatever’s on will do)
  • Guest performances by Beyonce, Marvin Gaye, Adele, and R. Kelly (for comedic purposes)

Now everything in me is telling me this is OK.  Everything except my common sense.  If I start rattling off this list, I might get punched in the back of the neck by L.  In high school a buddy once told me that I didn’t have any checkpoints.

“You know when your brain thinks something and sends that thought to your mouth, well most people have checkpoints along the way that reject or accept this thought before committing it to words and then to speech.  You?  Don’t have any.”

Somewhere between almost falling asleep and L asking this question, I miraculously developed these checkpoints.  And now that I have read my list of good ideas for a wedding, boy am I glad that I did so.

Seriously though, what guy dreams about his wedding?  It’s really not his wedding.  We don’t dream about violins playing and lilies lining the aisle and pansies (the flower) in the center of the table, or people throwing rice,  and flower girls and ring boys.

We always see the wedding process as being similar to getting a physical to play football when you’re a kid.

You show up at the doctor’s office and you strip down and a robe smock huge napkin on, and your mom is in the room because she’s “seen it a million times” and refuses to leave.  Then you try not to cry when the doctor tells you that you have to get a MMR shot, a tetanus shot, and a flu shot.  Then there’s the turn and cough drill.  You ask the Dr. “am I going to be tall?”  And he tells you, “you’re going to be 5’8″ at the tallest.”  Not good, when you’re 14, 5’2″…and 80 pounds.

But when we put the pads on on the first day of practice.  It makes it all worth it! (nice save G.  thanks)

I sure hope L doesn’t ask me about my dream bachelor party….

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One Response to My dream wedding? Sounds like a high school physical!

  1. Trey says:

    Brother! The “checkpoint” thing resonated with me, for sure! I would also call this a “filter.” And I had to develop the “filters” post-jumping the broom. Fair warning to you about the damage and destruction and injury to your personal image you might inflict if you don’t put “developing checkpoint” on your performance appraisal for the next 5 years:

    Like a bad episode of When Animals Attack (or good, as the show is always better when someone gets mauled), here’s what can happen when you don’t protect yourself and your family with checkpoints and filters:

    * You too could end up saying to the proud parents of their first born baby girl, “One of her eyes is larger than the other, and different shapes.” Now, we all know that eyes are shaped differently from one another…some more prominent than others. However…enter filter/checkpoint stage left…one shouldn’t say it out loud, etc., etc., etc. There are so many things that went wrong here! And I do believe that I was wrong, but something made me dance with the cobra…play patty-cake with the grizzly bear…and play itsy-bitsy spider with that tarantula. It came up and out before I could catch it…can you say crickets?!

    * Next episode….Late night…New Year’s Eve…and the consumption of alcohol will take place all over the land…and the main character says to his neighbor several houses away (out loud in a deafly silent nice neighborhood), “You gonna get pissy-drunk tonight?!?! CRASH! Bombs go off! Hell-fire engulfs me!…in my mind…but the comment, which I thought was comedy at the time, as well as congenial and neighborly, just shouldn’t have been uttered outside one’s lips!

    * At a dinner party with some great friends and many that we didn’t know and hadn’t met before, drinks are flowing, empty bottles of wine are quickly accumulating and “your main character” begins to escalate, elevate and one-up the then “semi-appropriate” conversation about inappropriate relationships at work. And while I can’t tell you specifically what I couldn’t help but say, while sitting at the head table of a dinner party that wasn’t mine or my wife’s, I can tell you that I went into way (can you say waaaayyyy) too much detail about a real life sexual act that I heard had taken place at work! Yep…he strikes again!

    Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what wifey’s reaction was to all of this. Well…err uhhh…t’ain’t good:

    To episode #1: Wifey was silent, but I could just tell that I had just destroyed her world, because I knew the friend through her. And her look was…you know when someone is about to cry on your favorite TV show and their eyes fill up with the max amount of tears before any drop…that’s what the look was like. Now, she has a wonderfully working filter….but her telepathy said to me, “You are the purest a$$ (donkey-style) that I know; and please blink yourself from beside me right now!” I suppose that if I could blink myself from that place, magically, I probably would’ve had myself not talk about the baby’s eyes like that.

    Episode #2: After I discussed my neighbor’s future state of drunkenness loudly in our neighborhood, I WOULD SAY THAT I GOT SHANKED (Oz HBO special style) in the back with a rusty screwdriver…at least that what that look felt like. But I think she simply said, “Get your a$$ in the house!!!” And, “Why would you say such a thing?” And she expected an answer…to which…there was none!

    Episode #3: After I said that comment at the dinner table, I think wifey just looked down and away….as I think that she had literally gone to a different place in her mind and spirit to protect herself and to keep from removing HER FILTERS AND CHECKPOINTS and assigning the name tag of “My name is…MF’er!” to me and to keep herself banishing me back into my mother’s womb.

    Now, wifey doesn’t usually cuss or curse (both uses of the word are applicable), but I tend to bring it out in her!

    So, brother of mine, when they have a sale on filters and checkpoints at Target and Wal-mart, GET SOME and store them in a separate storage facility and USE THEM. They will literally save your life, your wife and your relationship.

    I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t love you!

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